With every end comes a new beginning… 

Now you’re divorced. No matter what you think, it was either a disaster or a blessing for you, but now it’s over. You’ve passed through all the unpleasant things connected with the process. But more than likely you are still live with them.

Disappointment, humiliation, lack of respect, broken hopes, lost future and sad thoughts, some of the feelings that follow us all after a divorce. Is there a reason to start again? Do you really want to step into the same water? Will I find somebody better than before? Will I be able to trust again? Was something wrong with me or was it that I didn’t find the right person?

Why did they decided to leave? Why did the person I loved so much became so different that I wasn’t able to continue anymore?

What should I do next? Is there a reason to try again? Am I attractive enough? Am I young enough? Will I be able to survive the things if they happen to me again?

Questions, questions, questions … They are like bees you can’t escape.

We are all the same in this. Somebody called it human being. OK it is.

First – let’s calm down. Oh, I know it is easy to say, easy to advise. Time is healing, that’s true. But do you have time to wait? Unless you decide you are over forever. Which is a common first thought that crosses our minds when we experience something bad.

“I won’t go that restaurant – every one watches and they treat me badly. I will never speak to that person again, he is so unpleasant. I will not drive this car that keeps sucking money for repair.” Sounds familiar?

What do we do in most cases? We drive the same car to the same restaurant and first thing we do is greet the same guy. Does it mean we’re weak? No, it is an instinct of self-preservation. We can not feel good living with negative emotions and fighting them makes us stronger raising our self-esteem.

What happens if we continue to cultivate negative emotions? I am pretty sure you know or at least you should feel what happens. You feel unlucky. First you accuse yourself, then everybody else become the ones who caused your problems. The next step (yes, next step) is a doctor who will insist that first you should try to calm down.

What are the common fears we experience in situations like that. Depending on how you feel about moving on there are two major fears:

1. Starting a new relationship too fast and become deeply involved again. What is the fear here? The fear is to go through the same story with another person. The fear is getting hurt again.

2. Another fear is another side of the same coin – a fear of being rejected.

Both of these paralyze our will and it’s more comfortable hiding inside and doing just…nothing.

Hey, Jennifer let’s go to the disco. Wow, that’s brilliant, where is my little black dress John liked so much. Ok, John from the past is already here, in a back of her mind. Jennifer starts to imagine what will happen if she goes to the disco. Imagining a real gentleman, couple of drinks together, nice night and…what if he is too serious, what if he decides we should have a relationships. I am not ready for that.

In the end Jennifer goes to disco and doesn’t dance. Next time she doesn’t go to disco at all.

Another scenario: Jennifer does go to disco. She dances all night long. That guy she was dancing with never called her back again. Next Friday her friends go to the disco without her.

All of us are so vulnerable. Does it really mean Jennifer is in trouble? Pardon me, in most cases NO.

This is a common “post-traumatic” period most people go through after separation.

No matter what you decide to do and where to go it is hard to reject the fact you need to begin a new life. With all the problems caused by divorce you deserve a new life. And this “new life” is a synonymous for “better”. Why better?

Because you have already learned a lesson, you are more experienced but… look at you. The main thing is you are able to feel, to look for a future. Even if you don’t believe in that yet just a simple fact you are reading this says a lot. You are on your way to a new and better life.

Dating with Children

On other pages of our web-site we pay special attention on how to cope with children after divorce. No matter who is a "guilty" part - kids are those who suffer the most from parents separation. Special attention is needed when it comes to new relationships and dating with a new partner. Dating with children brings new set of challenges and unexpected issues. That's why we encourage to read carefully posted articles about dating with children, find more about kids emotions during and after parents divorce, on how to behave when a new person comes into kids' life.

The same thing is about you starting to date someone having kids. You need to know how to build relatiosnhips with the children of your new partner. If your dating becomes serious, relationships with the children of dating partner may become a crucial factor to build a mutual future.