Do you speak male? Let’s look at a typical exchange: deciding where to go for dinner. “What do you have a taste for?” he asks. “I don’t know, what do you want to eat?” she replies, priding herself on being agreeable, cooperative and selfless. She doesn’t understand why he gets agitated.
If I was traveling to France for a vacation or to study abroad, it would be critical to my success in that country that I at least familiarize myself with the language. I’d need to be able to ask for directions, catch a cab, order a meal. This could mean the difference between ordering snails and chicken! Yet, men and women don’t even make the effort to learn each other’s language. Instead we argue that men are running game and men argue that women are playing games.
Certainly there is a psychology to the way men communicate. I asked a retired gentleman why men don’t like to ask for directions. Proudly, I interjected, “it’s because you want to be the hero.” “That’s right, he said, “but it’s deeper than that.” He had my attention. “We don’t want to seem like wimps. To us, only wimps have to ask for directions.” He added that men see it as a sign of weakness.
Tip #1. If a man asks where you want to eat, tell him where you want to eat.
If a man asks a woman a question, he is interested in one thing – the answer. He isn’t testing her for compatibility. In fact, most men find it boring when they’ve met a female clone of themselves. Take a tip from the popular Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America. A good man wants a woman who has her own mind. Not someone who is waiting for a man to give her his. You see, he gets pleasure from giving you what you want and is intrigued by your perspective.
Generally, men are direct and like direct answers to their questions. Sure, in the beginning of a relationship, some witty banter can be sexy. But as a rule, men don’t mix words. They don’t contemplate appropriateness. They don’t check their internal emotional and social circuits before answering.
Do you speak male? Your man says, “babe, I’ll be at your house by 7:00pm” but doesn’t show up until 9:00pm. You meet a man at an outing and he begs for your phone number. “I’m gonna call you,” he yells repeatedly as you drive away. He doesn’t call. We women rehearse, review, agonize and seek answers among our girlfriends or compare notes with other women.
Tip #2. If you want to know what he is really saying, don’t ask another woman.
My cousin Lawrence was my go-to guy for understanding men. He’d listen as I explained my relationship challenges. Let me share a page from my personal history. I was quite smitten with a fella who was engaged to another woman. It didn’t start out romantic – seldom does – but it wasn’t long before I became attached. Thoughts like, “he didn’t expect to fall in love with you, girl,” “This is a hard decision for him,” “Be patient,” pervaded all reason. To this, my cousin chuckled and said, “He wants his cake and eat it too.” Interpretation? He has no intention of leaving her for you.
Not convinced, I would continue to explain in hopes that I was giving a convincing argument. I’d review what he said, the context and how it made me feel. Nevertheless, regardless of the spin I put on it, “He wants his cake and eat it too,” was my cousin’s response. A month later, my man married his fiancé.
Tip #3. If a man repeatedly tells you he’ll do something but doesn’t, he does not value you.
I’ve listened as my clients, my girlfriends and women I don’t even know lament about their man being late or not calling. Countless hours wasted trying to figure out why when, if a woman spoke male, she’d know his actions were clear. “But he explained that he had to work,” “his mother was sick,” “he had Baby Mama drama.” Or if he’s a real charmer, “I was out getting this for you, baby.” To this, author Greg Behrendt replies, “he’s just not that into you.”
In the female world, we express ourselves differently. To a man, woman-talk is chaotic and hard to follow. Consequently, we need the support of women who speak our language and with whom we can relax. I’m not suggesting that a woman abandon who she is for a man. Oh no. I see it like this, just because I learn to speak French doesn’t mean that I’ve thrown away my first language. After all, one does not learn a new language because the old one needs replacing. One learns a new language to expand and grow. Learning to speak male builds intimacy.
Do you speak male? Men are not that hard to figure out if you learn their language.