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Put Me Out of My Misery

November 18, 2011 By 1 Comment

I have to get on an online dating site, leave my apartment and then I have to meet guys and then I have to hope that this time, things will be different..

One of my saddest memories was the day we sold my horse, Magic. I didn’t name her Magic, my mom did arguing that since she paid for her, she got to have a hand in naming her. I wanted to call her Juliet so either way the horse was screwed. She was doubly screwed because shortly after we got her I realized that being the only one taking care of a horse and riding a horse and going to school at the same time was a lot of work.

So after a lifetime of begging for her, I lured my black Appaloosa into a trailer and tearfully watched as she was hauled off to a farm. Another sad time was when my pet cat Tiger ran away. I blamed it on getting my window screen fixed. I had cut a slit in it and trained Tiger to climb through it; his own secret entrance the other cat didn’t know about. The day my mom got it fixed he disappeared. I thought he took it as a symbol of my rejection, my mom thought he got eaten by a coyote. Neither was a comforting thought. There was also Henry my mouse, found stiff and dead in his sawdust one chilly morning. There was a rat, more cats, and a crayfish I was watching for a Korean student at my school one summer who seemed to evaporated but was more likely dinner for a cat. What I’m getting at is pet ownership is a direct route to tragedy. Just like dating.

lonely girl sitting on stone

Despite promises to myself not to bother with the dismal dating scene or the sticky web of a crush that always ends with me realizing I'm paralyzed from the neck down while the ugly love spider creeps over to destroy me...

I decided after watching so many animals disappear or die, and then pet-sitting for so many animals that croaked, their once bright eyes turning milky, their once plush fur in matted clumps, that I didn’t want to ever own another pet. It was too sad. If I wanted companionship I could turn on “Marley and Me,” experience the joy, hilarity, and ultimate sadness of having a pet, all from the safe distance of vicariousness. And why not do the same when it comes to love. Every single person I have ever kissed, loved, dated, wanted, fantasized about, and needed has, if not immediately, eventually been unrequited. That’s a 100% disappointment statistic. And don’t they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results? If that’s true, continuing to date makes me a crazy person, and not just by default.

Going through all that hope and inevitable heartbreak is enough to drive a person mad. It’s what’s led me to read an incredible amount of something into a miniscule amount of nothing. It makes me reword texts nine times before sending. It makes me brainwash myself into believing I don’t care before a date to the point of exhaustion. It makes me someone even I wouldn’t want to date. So when I’m not in the mood for Marley, I put on, “50 First Dates,” or, “When Harry Met Sally,” or season 2 of, “Buffy,” and enjoy a romantic (vicarious) night in.

The catch of course is being a human being. Despite promises to myself not to bother with the dismal dating scene or the sticky web of a crush that always ends with me realizing I’m paralyzed from the neck down while the ugly love spider creeps over to destroy me, hope – that nasty weed – sprouts up unexpectedly and makes me go, “Well, maybe this one last time.” I can avoid trips to the human society but unless I get used to take-out and a job as a phone sex operator, I have to get on an online dating site, leave my apartment and then I have to meet guys and then I have to hope that this time, things will be different. Because insanity is one thing that can’t be experienced vicariously.

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About Men: Do You Speak Male?

November 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Understanding a Man’s Language

Do you speak male? Let’s look at a typical exchange: deciding where to go for dinner. “What do you have a taste for?” he asks. “I don’t know, what do you want to eat?” she replies, priding herself on being agreeable, cooperative and selfless. She doesn’t understand why he gets agitated.

woman and four men sitting at table

Do you speak male? Learn now as there is no translator ever available.

If I was traveling to France for a vacation or to study abroad, it would be critical to my success in that country that I at least familiarize myself with the language. I’d need to be able to ask for directions, catch a cab, order a meal. This could mean the difference between ordering snails and chicken! Yet, men and women don’t even make the effort to learn each other’s language. Instead we argue that men are running game and men argue that women are playing games.

Certainly there is a psychology to the way men communicate. I asked a retired gentleman why men don’t like to ask for directions. Proudly, I interjected, “it’s because you want to be the hero.” “That’s right, he said, “but it’s deeper than that.” He had my attention. “We don’t want to seem like wimps. To us, only wimps have to ask for directions.” He added that men see it as a sign of weakness.

Tip #1. If a man asks where you want to eat, tell him where you want to eat.

If a man asks a woman a question, he is interested in one thing – the answer. He isn’t testing her for compatibility. In fact, most men find it boring when they’ve met a female clone of themselves. Take a tip from the popular Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America. A good man wants a woman who has her own mind. Not someone who is waiting for a man to give her his. You see, he gets pleasure from giving you what you want and is intrigued by your perspective.
Generally, men are direct and like direct answers to their questions. Sure, in the beginning of a relationship, some witty banter can be sexy. But as a rule, men don’t mix words. They don’t contemplate appropriateness. They don’t check their internal emotional and social circuits before answering.

Do you speak male? Your man says, “babe, I’ll be at your house by 7:00pm” but doesn’t show up until 9:00pm. You meet a man at an outing and he begs for your phone number. “I’m gonna call you,” he yells repeatedly as you drive away. He doesn’t call. We women rehearse, review, agonize and seek answers among our girlfriends or compare notes with other women.

Tip #2. If you want to know what he is really saying, don’t ask another woman.

My cousin Lawrence was my go-to guy for understanding men. He’d listen as I explained my relationship challenges. Let me share a page from my personal history. I was quite smitten with a fella who was engaged to another woman. It didn’t start out romantic – seldom does – but it wasn’t long before I became attached. Thoughts like, “he didn’t expect to fall in love with you, girl,” “This is a hard decision for him,” “Be patient,” pervaded all reason. To this, my cousin chuckled and said, “He wants his cake and eat it too.” Interpretation? He has no intention of leaving her for you.
Not convinced, I would continue to explain in hopes that I was giving a convincing argument. I’d review what he said, the context and how it made me feel. Nevertheless, regardless of the spin I put on it, “He wants his cake and eat it too,” was my cousin’s response. A month later, my man married his fiancé.

Tip #3. If a man repeatedly tells you he’ll do something but doesn’t, he does not value you.

I’ve listened as my clients, my girlfriends and women I don’t even know lament about their man being late or not calling. Countless hours wasted trying to figure out why when, if a woman spoke male, she’d know his actions were clear. “But he explained that he had to work,” “his mother was sick,” “he had Baby Mama drama.” Or if he’s a real charmer, “I was out getting this for you, baby.” To this, author Greg Behrendt replies, “he’s just not that into you.”
In the female world, we express ourselves differently. To a man, woman-talk is chaotic and hard to follow. Consequently, we need the support of women who speak our language and with whom we can relax. I’m not suggesting that a woman abandon who she is for a man. Oh no. I see it like this, just because I learn to speak French doesn’t mean that I’ve thrown away my first language. After all, one does not learn a new language because the old one needs replacing. One learns a new language to expand and grow. Learning to speak male builds intimacy.

Do you speak male? Men are not that hard to figure out if you learn their language.

Filed Under: Featured articles, Women Tagged With: ,

Gay Dating – Finding Love in the Gay Community

November 14, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Those in the gay community have many more disadvantages to finding the person of their dreams than do singles that consider themselves straight.
In general, there are no strictly just for men grocery stores where one can bump into their true love in the produce aisle, and many don’t have friends that can fix them up on blind dates. If one doesn’t frequent an all men’s bar, meeting like-minded companions with which to build a future with becomes quite difficult.

But even the alternative bar scene is often an undesirable place to meet a mate as many are just places to hook up for intimate encounters. Gays just like straights, are looking for spark and chemistry as well as a true connection with someone with whom they can love and have a meaningful relationship with.

Online Dating to the Rescue

Just as in the heterosexual world of online personals, some niche personal ads sites for homosexuals and lesbians are just for a sexual encounter. You can wade through these “meat” markets and find some really good services that you can perhaps find someone with whom you can build a real and lasting relationship. Of course, if you are just looking for a good time and not for a long time, you can easily find that as well.

Many people assume that men of the gay persuasion are merely looking for sex and that may be true in some cases. But many are looking for a partner to spend quiet times and have meaningful conversations where they can relax and be themselves. A dinner companion, someone to see a play or a movie with can make the experience richer and homosexual men are no different than heterosexual men that tire of playing the field.

Date.com is a more match making/dating oriented website than is say, Fling.com where it’s about hooking up. Though on Date.com, you will still find those looking for a thrill, you will find many more that are looking for a relationship. There are a number of services that are dedicated to finding you a one nighter partner if you so desire such as SexSearch.com.

If you want a man with means, then check out MillionaireMate.com. Young hot lads can post their profile and hope that a sugar daddy finds some interest in what they are offering. Who knows, you may be able to set yourself up for life using the MillionaireMate services.

Traditional Gay Dating

Finding a partner becomes easier when you involve yourself in the gay community. There are many parties and get-togethers where you can meet eligible bachelors that are not just looking for a date for an hour or so of pleasure. Political activism in the community is another way for you to meet some great guys. They will share your ideals and have some intelligence, so you can be sure there will be much to discuss.

You don’t have to stoop to browse the available goods at the usual men’s meeting places or hope that you catch the eye of a gay man in the crowd. You can go the internet and see what the offerings are and decide if this might be something you might like to try. It certainly can’t hurt and who knows, you may meet the man of your dreams like so many straight couples have using an online dating service.

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About Men: A Defensive Man Can’t Love

November 2, 2011 By
black man wearing glasses in white shirt and tie with a grima?e on face

It wasn't obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first.. So what do you mean when you say "defensive?"

It wasn’t obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first. He was fun to talk with. We’d spend hours on the phone and not even be aware of how much time had passed. He was so attentive and excited about me. We shared many of the same views and experiences in life. And if we differed, it disappeared in the fog of our romance. But after a while and bye-and-bye, the fog began to lift.

So what do you mean when you say “defensive?” I think most of us recognize the blaring signs: he is easily upset or overly critical right off the bat. Sometimes defensiveness is more subtle though. It can simply be that his interaction with you is underwhelming, guarded or confusing.

Here is my short list of do-not-ignore signs:

  • He doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother or he makes you feel lacking in comparison. Sure, a man should regard what his mother says and treat her with respect and love; but if he can’t attach to you because he is overly attached to her; then there is a problem.
  • He pushes for you to look or behave a certain way. For example, you might prefer your hair short and sassy, but he insists that you grow it long. In fact, he schedules you an appointment with his cousin who does weaves and shows you a picture of how he wants it to look.  That might sound extreme but, believe me, there are some men out there who can’t love you unless you fit their ideal.
  • He refers to women with mistrust. You get the feeling that outside of attraction and sex, he doesn’t have a favorable view of womanhood. It’s as if he’s nursing a grudge from a past offense and despite how loving and attentive you are to his needs, your efforts are overshadowed by some phantom from the past. He may even withhold attention or affection, referencing some erroneous belief that to give you those things would enable you to hurt him in some way.
  • He is quick to go on the attack or on the defense. Blaming and shaming is his response when you share your feelings or an observation of him. “You are too emotional,” he might say.  Or he gets bent out of shape easily.  My all time favorite? Tit for tat.  You point out something that he’s doing that bothers you and he deflects by pointing out what you do that bothers him.
  • He may threaten to leave you, distance himself in some way from you or make it difficult for you to get back in his good graces. He can be punitive in his disposition or can have a cavalier attitude.  Most insidious in my opinion is the silent treatment.  Say, you’ve apologized but he is still emotionally removed from you.  To me, that’s very controlling and is a telling sign of how he deals with conflict.  Sidebar:  when he asks you what’s wrong, don’t say “nothing” when you know good and well that mad is written all over your face.  It’s just as wrong when you do it as when he does it.
  • He hates another person just because of their race or culture. Admittedly, we all have dislikes and preferences but a bigot takes dislike or preference to a harmful and dehumanizing level. I believe this. If you have ever been oppressed by a people or a culture, it is just as wrong for you to become the oppressor when you are in a position of power.

I must interject here that figuring out if your date or your man is defensive isn’t always immediate. Neither is it an exact science. There are aspects of maleness that are just…..well…how he is wired.

For instance, men love attention. I’ve been told that the best first date icebreaker is asking a man about himself. Men LOVE to talk about themselves. Here’s a good litmus test. If every time you are with him you feel like he is more interested in talking about himself and his needs than being interested in yours then you need to take note.   If his is the only reflection he sees in his mirror, then he can’t see you.  And if he can’t see you, he darn sure can’t date you.

Another aspect of maleness is how he responds to stress. Men process things internally first. Women tend to process things externally by talking about them. Please don’t assume that he is defensive just because he prefers not to engage in exhaustive communication about a problem or a difficulty with you. He only wants to know one thing — how to solve it. As long as he handles your feelings well, you just have to accept that about him.

A man may be public with affection but he’s normally more private with his emotions. That’s just how most men are.  So if he’s not gushing about how his friend broke his toy when he was little during the beginning stages of dating, don’t penalize him. If, however, you’ve been dating for a while and he is persistently secretive, guarded or detached, then that’s something you must not ignore.

One final piece of advice.  If you have found a good man, a loving man, then handle him with care. Even a good man who adores you can become defensive if mishandled. Listen very very closely. If your man decides to share his soft underbelly with you, you must never EVER throw it back up in his face or dismiss it like it’s a small thing. Even if you are mad as fire at something he’s done or said and feel that you won’t ever get over it, tell him you need some time to process it.  Yes, even grown folks need to put themselves in time-out sometimes.  In an episode of Ice Loves Coco, Ice T said something that caught my attention.  ”You have to realize that a disagreement isn’t all-out war. It’s just a difference.”  Differences can be negotiated.  Character flaws cannot.

Fog is part of the euphoria of romance. It can’t be avoided. Given time, the fog lifts and you see the person for who they are.  Steve Harvey suggests waiting until at least 90 days before having sex for that very reason.  I’ve also read books by Dr. Phil and Ronn Elmore.  I can’t remember if they concur with the time frame but I do know they agree that it takes time to really know a man.  Regardless, there’s one thing I know for sure.  Time with you will not fix what’s broken.  I feel like I need to say it again.  Time with you will not fix what’s broken.  We somehow think that a man will change if given more time.  A leopard is a leopard and will continue to be a leopard no matter how much time you give it.  Likewise, if a man’s a critic at the beginning of the relationship, he’ll be a bigger critic the same time next year.

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Adoption… Is It Right for Me?

October 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

In some countries, adoption is still considered to be something beyond social canons and traditions. People are supposed to think that only those who appear in this world from their own blood and bone could be their children in ‘original’ sense of this word.

kids holding each other hands around big treeMillions of people around the world have the same problem: they cannot have children. For most of them this symbolizes a big mental and psychological collapse, mostly for women according to the statistics.

We live in a world of global haste and aridity, constant and permanent stresses which make us weak and tired. Being in a hurry means that some aspects dominate in our individual life, and some we just do not take seriously. As an example new young generations of those who are 20-25 believe that first they need to build a strong economical ground before a family start. In some cases this ‘wellness-building’ marathon results into serious sexual and reproductive disorders when people cannot have a child.
Many families cannot have children due to medical conditions. And if previously women were those to be blamed, nowadays more and more men are found to be unable to conceive.

So what can they do? Just being alone before the end is a solution? Is adoption a really good way out to escape from the problem?

In some countries, adoption is still considered to be something beyond social canons and traditions. People are supposed to think that only those who appear in this world from their own blood and bone could be their children in ‘original’ sense of this word. So, adoption is a social and psychological problem for men and women. What is more, for example, in former USSR adoption was a hectic bureaucratic process which was impossible to complete. Second, lots of examples of the illegal adoption (when mothers sell their children or even their children’s organs) control people’s minds through media and form a negative image of adoption in our society. Media somehow feature adoption as an alien process which implicitly considered being strange by millions.

madonna holding adopted boyOn the other hand, let us remind about the examples when even Hollywood movie and pop stars adopt young boys and girls… even those who have another color of skin. We can remember some American comedies when people adopt children from the orphan’s houses. What is more, the movies demonstrate the stereotype fears and prejudices people may experience before they finalize their decision to adopt a child. All these are positive examples of adoption in our society.

Well, the most suspicious readers will question these presuppositions. The first point against adoption could be featured as ‘bad genetics stereotype’ which means that children in the orphan’s house could be the children of murders, people who had mental problems, who are psycho pâtés, etc. In this way, in 10-15 years the family can have great problems due to the adopted daughters or sons (we have such stereotypes that the adopted children could have a bad social and genetic background, so even in the really aristocratic family they will have the features of their ‘bad’ parents who were burglars or alcoholics.)

The second point is that people cannot have mutual understanding with adopted children because they are not of the same bone, so they do not have the spiritual bond. Mothers and fathers are afraid of the fact that when they are old and retired; their adopted children will not help them to share the last days of their life. When children become older they are facing with the desire to know the truth.
Some couples are afraid of the fact that their adopted children will not understand their own history; they will be exploring their roots to find ‘biological’ parents. The third point is connected with bureaucratic aspects, as some people do not adopt because they think that they cannot facilitate this process taking into account a large amount of documents and money adoption may invoke.

However, we have lots of examples when even people who have 4 or 5 ‘biological’ children adopt new sons and daughters. In this way, they realize a good will and demonstrate human values in our society. When we adopt children, we share all our love and our private sphere with someone else. Of course, those who are egoistic cannot understand this, but humanism needs to be circulated. You can see happy smiles on the faces of famous people who have adopted African or Asian boy or girl. This means that people demonstrate love, kind-heartedness, and patience; they are ready to accept a new member from absolutely another culture in their own house, in their small family society. And what about the prices, adoption is normally much cheaper than lots of ‘supernatural’ operations and analyses, and examinations in the most prestigious hospitals in Europe, America or Japan.

As the experts say, human being is a construction of genotype and phenotype combinations. In this way, you don’t need to be afraid that your love won’t create your own children from not biological children taken from the orphan’s house. Vice versa. And your example could be very important to your friends and colleagues who also hesitate and cannot have the final decision whether to adopt or not.

A child holds the picture of a dream family with her, mom, dad, and dog

Hence, millions of people cannot have children, and, on the other hand, there are millions of children all over the world who do not have their parents due to different reasons (not only due to alcoholism and jails). You can help to change this balance in a positive way sharing love and multiplying the values of humanism. Anyone who plans to adopt must be prepared to properly deal with the financial and other significant lifestyle commitments that will be necessary in order for parenting to be a success. Your commitment will be tested not only during the process but during parenting years and, in fact, all your life. Before you decide to adopt, be sure you are ready and able to give this child all the attention that he or she needs and deserves.
Author: Dmytro Blackbird

Filed Under: Children, Featured articles Tagged With: ,

Treat Dating Like Shopping For a Successful Relationship

October 19, 2011 By Leave a Comment
If you are good at shopping, you can navigate the world of dating with the same enjoyment and success. Follow these simple shopping tips, and you can have the relationship that you want!

 

Discover your own personal style.

Know thyself is the first and most important shopping tip. It is imperative that you know what clothing styles are most flattering and resonate with your uniqueness. No need to look for a personal stylist – a trusted friend will do.
Black woman chooses clothin in a store

Dating is like shopping - look carefully, remember what you want, and make a right choice. And.. keep a receipt in case you want to give it back or change)

In Dr. Phil’s book, Love Smart, he takes you through an exercise where you define what you are looking for in a partner, i.e., personality, social skills, relational style, spiritual compatibility and physical characteristics. Except you understand and befriend who you are and discern your season of life, he could pass you on the street and you’d never recognize him.

 

Locate the best places to shop.

The second shopping tip is location, location, location! Now that you are armed with self knowledge, you are ready to find stores that showcase your personal style. My pal, Dr. Phil calls this a target-rich environment (“where the boys are”). This is where you shop. Discontinue that nightclub, bar-hopping bargain basement shopping where the idea is to get something for nothing or to get something quick and in a hurry. You must be more discriminating and purposeful in your shopping.

A word of caution: Don’t go to an event or locale purely to meet eligible men. The man is the hunter; you are merely shopping. A good friend of mine said “A man is just an accessory.” And for most women, accessorizing is fun! In fact, men have said there is nothing more attractive than a woman enjoying herself. Therefore, choose hangouts, events or activities that you are genuinely interested in. Your enjoyment must resound from within.

Shop with the end in mind.

The strength of a product or service is how much use you can get out of it. One cannot minimize the importance of this shopping tip. This rang true for me when I tuned into Oprah’s interview with Will Smith during the promotion of his new movie, Hitch. “Look for someone with range,” advises Will. This is someone who is versatile and at home in a range of social situations. A doctor friend of mine revealed what drew him to his wife. “She was an uptown girl. No doubt. But I knew she was the one when she was just as comfortable eating a bag lunch with me on a park bench. “

Shop with the end in mind. No more impulse buying. No more making a purchase based on attraction only. Yes, he might be as sexy as Matthew McConaughey or as charismatic as Densel Washington. She may be a timeless beauty like Demi Moore or every man’s fantasy, Halle Berry. But if there is no strength of character…NEXT.

Read the Care Instructions.

I learned early on that it is just as important to get auto insurance estimates and find out the cost of maintenance when shopping for a car. Likewise, it is very important to read the care instructions when deciding on a potential partner. Realistically, you need to surmise what it takes to maintain the product — the emotional, social, and spiritual investment.

A quality man or woman has a certain lifestyle and unique personal habits. For instance, a woman in management may be accustomed to spending $700 on a business suit without even blinking. A TV anchorman not only takes stock in his personal appearance but may pay big bucks for a personal stylist and groomer. I’m not suggesting that you settle, but you have to gauge the amount of sweat equity necessary.

Count up the cost.

Before you put that item in your shopping cart and march to the check out counter, count up the cost. This is where many a shopper loses heart and settles. “Do you love him?” “I’m not in love with him but my kids adore him.” “Do you love her?” “Sure, she’s a lawyer.” The costs may seem staggering-but not for a savvy shopper. A savvy shopper never settles. She has done her homework and knows not only the where’s and the how’s but the when’s of shopping.

Heather Headley sings, “Understand the Nature of a Man.” In my article, About Men: Do You Speak Male?, I reveal how important it is that a woman learn a man’s language. “If a man asks a woman a question, he is interested in one thing – the answer. He isn’t testing her for compatibility. In fact, most men find it boring when they’ve met a female clone of themselves. Take a tip from the popular Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America. A good man wants a woman who has her own mind. Not someone who is waiting for a man to give her his…”

“It’s all about timing,” writes Dr. Phil. If you are looking for a lasting relationship, the key is to find an individual who is tired of chasing skirts and is looking to put down roots. He has to be available too. There is nothing more frustrating than having an impressive introduction but finding it easier to cross a busy intersection than to go on a date. Just because his profile reads “looking for a relationship,” you may find that his life is too crowded. Having the kids this weekend, a demanding work schedule or doing stuff with/for his family may be reasons he offers for unreturned phone calls and cancelled dates. Only you can determine if there is sufficient payoff to warrant your sustained interest.

If you hold fast to these five tips, I can’t promise that you’ll be married within the year, but I can promise that you’ll increase the likelihood of having the relationship you desire. And you’ll have goo-gobs of fun doing it. So get ready… set… SHOP!

Filed Under: Featured articles, Women Tagged With: ,

Keep the doors open

October 17, 2011 By 2 Comments

Keep doors open for happiness to get into your life

by O’Stoned

After divorce many people become unsociable, and live with constant thoughts about previous life.

No matter that their life now has become ‘previous’ already, and in reality doesn’t have any meaning for themselves. Cool, right? Is it you? No? Good for you! Then you definitely know what I’m talking about.

Of course it will take a while before you could even start thinking out of the box. Even for ‘normal’ people it takes some time, he-he. Not talking about such dudes like you and me. But that’s the goal to achieve when you are depressed, ‘down and out’. And the trick to achieve it is not to stop, to stop pitying yourself, to stop sliding down to the bottom of whatever you have chosen in whatever liquid if liquid. The trick is to get there faster! Then happens what should always happen when alive body hits the bottom. Yes, you should be alive and in better shape preferably, that’s why you need to get there fast – to keep your shape. Then you hit the bottom and start going up. And that’s where your best talents should be implemented.

Improvise! Be happy, be prepared, always, 100% of time. Not here or there from 1 to 2 pm and no more. Always. At least normal, average state of mind, however alert for… Love, affairs, adventures! Stable, strong control over stability is a must. Just started losing temper, losing grounds, losing patience – you’re dead; you’ll have to start from beginning. But… you can make it. We all can make it. Jesus! I can tell you so many happy stories about divorced people. So many people are happy after divorce. Take France, French are very comfortable having open sexual relationships in marriage. They never worry about divorce. I haven’t spent much time in France though. Just plans, he-he.

Or take me, I am fine after my divorce, I am happy in my relations now, with my son and new girlfriend 15 years younger than me beautiful tall blond blue eyes. No kidding! I don’t know who taught me this trick, maybe my friend famous musician, or another friend former mafia boss? Who knows and who cares? I have never been a good boy myself. Friends are friends. You pick from your friends, your friends pick from you.

Habits, manners, viewpoint, likes, dislikes, clothes and cell phones! I would say women too, but I should stay within limits here, it’s an open air article, right? Remember France? So, give it or take, after divorce life only starts a new thrilling spin. And you don’t need to jump in, you’re already here! Open your eyes, get used to new environment, and act! Open your doors, doors of your perception, open your eyes and look for love and adventure. Travel overseas? Great, do it! Go to all new places, look at all new people, spend time just for yourself and enjoy it!

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How to Talk to Any Guy

October 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

woman talks to a guy at cafe tableSeveral tips on how to chat with a guy

Finally you met each other privately – no matter whether it is a cafe, park or somewhere else. You need to be prepared to know him better. And conversation with a guy is the best way to learn about him and check whether you like him or not. First impression is not always right, but weighs a lot.

Where to start? Ask a lot of questions. Guys love it when girls show interest on them so be sure that you are genuinely interested by asking questions about him. For starters, ask about anything that is related to what he is saying. If there’s a need, ask about directions, the weather, or the time.

But what if you come across a quiet guy that seems to be difficult to talk to? Don’t fret; just because he is quiet does not mean that he is completely uninterested in you. Never tell a guy he is too quiet. No matter how much mucho he’s looking, he is much probably shyer than you are. Just start talking and don’t ask why he keeps silence – you’ll be rewarded soon! Be sure to make eye contact as he is replying, and don’t forget to smile. Show genuine interest in what he’s talking – this will help him open up.

When talking to a guy, make sure you ask about stuff that encourages him to open up and talk more about himself. After all, guys love the attention. Ask about what he does for a living, where he bought his shirt, if he comes to a certain place often, etc. Just be careful not to ask very personal questions like those pertaining to his income or his relationship with his mother.

If you find something he really likes (no matter how much you hate it) try to ask as much questions about that as you can. It will help him to get comfortable, develop interest in you and get closer in conversation. It can be his favorite sports, athletes, hobbies, travel etc.

Don’t ask questions about his ex women. First – do you really want to hear that? Sesond – he may be sadden by memories. Third – he may tell something you will never forget – it may destroy your relationships even before they start. You and I – that’s all what does exist in this given moment. All the rest, all previous experience just doesn’t exist. No ‘exes’. Find yourself a strength and wisdom to paint absolutely new relationships on a blank page.

Don’t tell about your problems. With parents, with job, neighbors etc.  Keep it all positive. At least until you are very close.

Needless to say – no talks about the men from your past. If he asks – never say bad things about your ex men – better to refuse talking or say something like “it’s not a right time to talk about it”. Absolutely the best answer about why you separated with previous men is “we had very different characters that don’t match”.

Laugh at his jokes – no matter how lame or corny they are, because it brings him satisfaction that he is able to make you laugh. Just don’t go overboard or try too hard, otherwise, you’ll look like a fool. Remember, act naturally.

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Reasons for divorce — men’s point of view

August 8, 2011 By 2 Comments
mens reasons for divorce

The causes of divorce could be really different.

Family life is oriented to be as long as possible. Families are created by two people who want to share their emotions, losses, happy and unhappy moments. People who become a husband and a wife believe that they will never offend each other, they will never have their private secrets, or they will be always sincere and true with the partner.  At least, the initial intentions to get marry sound that way, but…

Anyway, the statistics show that each year thousands of people pass thought the divorce process. Official statistics demonstrate that there is a regular increase in the rate of divorces all over the world. What are the reasons for divorce? I shall try to explain the answers from the ‘mature’ man viewpoint. The grounds for divorce are really different and I cannot provide any unique panorama which covers all the cases. Anyway, as the family experts and sociologists say, a large number of causes of divorce are connected with psychological misconnections in the family, physiological disorders, and lack of mutual understanding between the partners.
First ground for divorce.

“She does not love me!” This is the most common reason for separation. How often you have heard this in your life? In different movies and in the news, you see the divorce processes in which one says that he or she wants separation because their partner does not express sympathy; he or she is not in love with the partner. This means that when a man comes home and he meets his wife, he wants her to fly as a butterfly around him saying, “Hi, my dear!” However, some man consider that their wives should say, ‘Hi my darling!”, “Hi my honey”, or just “Yes, Sir! Yes, my boss!” Men sometimes believe that only they have a really dreadful job and only they could be really tired after the working day.
In our society, we have such a segment of men who think that only men can earn money and women when they sit at hoe they do nothing. Housework means nothing in their viewpoint. And this is a cause of divorce. So the problem is the next one: can men really appreciate the work of their wives? Maybe sometimes women are so badly tired after all this washing, cleaning, and ironing that they just cannot pretend to be happy. And in this case a man should be the first to say, “Hi! How are you? I love you so much! I’ve missed you today!” Men are supposed to be busier in our life, they have difficult stresses. They are supposed to be strong and brave to get money for their family. Sometimes, this makes them become family patriarchs and ‘dictators’ who do not understand the values of family life. They think that their wife is a property, and their possession is omnipotent. And this can be resulted in a divorce.

Second ground for divorce.

“She does not want me!” Sexual life is the essential part of the family life. Maybe you know a man saying that he has left his wife due to her lack of participation in a physical relationship with him. He has not had ‘relations’ with her in over several years and, finally, moved out of their bedroom two years ago. It was important for him to have his needs met inside of the marriage and when his wife was unwilling to ‘accommodate’ him he grew more and more frustrated until he got to the point where he felt leaving was his only option.
Anyway, family is not only ‘physical operations’, and wives are not ‘sex machines.’ Some men have the hypersexual activity, and when they are not satisfied with their private life, they can look for someone else. Some men are sure that divorce is a way to find a more beautiful lady. In this way, husbands disguise their wives; they find young ladies to pass the night saying that they have been working all the night with the boss in the office finalizing the calculations of expenses and profits. The psychologists say that when a couple is experiencing issues in the bedroom it is the responsibility of both parties to address the problem. It isn’t fair for one person to expect the other to abstain from sexual activity just as it isn’t fair for one partner to demand physicality from the other when they are not providing them with the emotional support they need. Both partners need to take responsibility for their part in the problem and the whole issue needs to be addressed and dealt with before one of them does something that will ultimately cause the marriage to fail.

Third ground for divorce.

“She does not care of me!” Again, this problem happens rather often. Sometimes, men in the family life behave as if they were noisy children, and their wives play a role of the mother. Some psychologists divide all the male beings into two categories: ‘men-fathers’ and ‘men-children.’ The second category wants always to run the show, to be in the centre of family attention. Their wives are obliged to wash their closes, clean their houses, water their plants, and feed their pets. These men are so self-concentrated and self-oriented as small arrogant and nasty children. This is also a reason for separation.

Fourth ground for divorce.

“She is flirting with others!” Sometimes, men want their wives to be their own legacy. This means that a woman or a lady does not have a right to smile with another men, she cannot speak to someone else (and they do not mean flirting). The control from her husband’s side is enormous in such a case. What is more, men consider their wives to be so sexually attractive, so that they can betray them. Suspicious and jealous husbands believe that all men want to get their fairy ladies. This situation often becomes a serious reason for divorce.

Fifth ground for divorce.

Some men also do believe that all women want to get their property, and being in a marriage is the only way for the ladies to obtain financial and social status. In a year or even in some months, then want to get a divorce and a half part of their husband’s property and bank account. This sort of men is very suspicious to all financial operations of their wives. They control all their private economic steps. In fact, such ‘financial jealousy’ provokes divorces because a woman does not feel the status of being independent. Even family is a cooperation of two people, the psychologists say that each one in the family should have her or his ‘private room’ (as Virginia Woolf wrote).

The causes of divorce could be really different. Sometimes the husbands experienced the situation of divorece of their parents, and this influences their mind also. Some men didn’t see their fathers and ware raised by a stepfather who cared more about keeping up appearances than building a relationship with yuong male children. All this may cause a problem in the family life. Anyway, sympathetic understanding and true love should be the main reason against divorces.
Author: Dmytro Blackbird

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Why Do Men Cheat?

June 17, 2011 By 3 Comments

married men cheatby Dmytro Blackbird

Men cheating some people find naturally essential, especially when these people are also men. Do all men cheat?

On so many ads and subliming advertizing boards in the cities and practically all over the world you can see a guy accompanied with beautiful girls on his right and left hand. Are all these ladies his wife (or wives)? Maybe you have noticed that a good purchase (a car or a conditioner) in the ads video is often accompanied by chic ladies who seem to be accessories to this successful deal… Mass media industry each day demonstrates that men cheating is nothing more than a lovely game in the masculine and patriarchal society. Why do men cheat on women? Just for nothing – the media say.

Why do women need to panic? Cheating is OK these days. Anyway, this way of thinking can cause dangerous family problems, so everyone who has a family should avoid these distributed stereotypes. The experts say that men cheating result in family problems and divorces. A strong family is based on understanding and cooperation. Anyway, why do guys cheat? Approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships, estimates Kat Hertlein, professor of human development at the University of Nevada – Las Vegas and a marriage and family therapist. The statistics says that number hasn’t changed much since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.

Reasons men cheat could be really different and significant. To some extent man cheating has become a social myth multiplied by media. All the answers on this question that are circulating in media could be defined as these: men are not ready to have commitments; men no longer feel satisfied/stimulated in their current relationship and are too cowardly to end the relationship; men are concerned about their financial/living situation if they end the relationship, but do not feel fulfilled in it; men like various sex partners; men need to feel desired and their partner does not fulfill that need; men are single-minded and don’t think about the consequences of their actions; guys cheat because many of them increasingly feel powerless in a society that is giving women more rights and powers in the domestic spheres; having sex with more than one woman is an ego boost for those with low self-esteem.

All these factors say that even married men cheat and lie. They are supposed to cheat sexually, psychologically, and socially.
The experts say that men crave sexual “variety” to survive psychologically. This is a key point in men cheating. We need to be aware that men live in their masculine society and follow its rules. For example, when all/some man’s friends cheat or his colleagues in the office cheat, this provokes a man to start cheating also. Our surrounding and our background make us think in this or that way.

Sometimes, even ladies want a man to cheat. But this is rather possible and acceptable when that man is ‘free.’ However, this could make a big problem if the man has a family. Women flirting with men orient them to behave in a tricky cheating way. For some ladies it gives a new challenge and driver.

Why do men cheat on women or girlfriends? It happens quiet often because girlfriends also want to be partners in this game of cheating. To psychology experts, cheating is a play, a game based on competence and partnership. But this game could have a drastic final remarks for the wife and children, because man cheating provokes conflicts in the family. What is more, it creates the atmosphere of unfaithfulness.

Women love man who are outgoing and communicative. On the other hand, these men are supposed to cheat much more often. Especially when after a ten-year family life that want to have something new because their wife is not so energetic and beautiful as she was. Men like to play is fire, this instinct is in their mind, blood, and bones.

In American and European cultures, we have such a social model of masculine behavior called ‘machismo.’ This means that the cultural frames make a young man behave as a macho. Men are supposed to be strong to be able to defend their families. But strongmen sometimes are not family defenders but egocentric guys who want to demonstrate their unique muscles and bright personality to gain a social goal. And women could be featured just like a goal, a target and not a family partner. If a man accepts these rules and he behaves as macho, then he could have all social and sexual benefits. You know that these days sex does not belong to something sacred in the society and it is not an in-family asset.

Men who are ‘macho’ could have sex, power, and money, they can play a role of celebrities. Al this makes a conclusion that such a simple psychological problem as men cheating has deep roots in culture matrices. Men are the victims of the media, and media dictate that you always need to be cool and independent. This means that cheating is one of the possible ways to be a ‘bad boy’ who has benefits from ‘free’ ladies.

Anyway, the problem roots could be much easier sometimes. Men cheat because they want to have their life like a permanent fiesta. They want to have a festive atmosphere of burlesque. It happens very often when a wife also works hard and she cannot create this atmosphere of lovely happiness. She can come home also in the evening and want to have a peaceful time with her darling. This psychological disconnection may provoke family conflicts and men cheating. But men should take into account that family life is based on mutual understanding, or else it is not reasonable to have a family life. So if one part of the family experiences any difficulty then the second partner needs to provide a kind of emotional support.

Why married men cheat and lie? Answers can be significantly different. Some men do not understand and share family values. It is also possible that these men experiences something negative when they were young. Maybe their parents were divorced and father cheated. In this case, family happy is based on wife’s psychological masterpiece. She has to explain the family rules without any pressure and ‘dictatorship.’ Men cheating is connected with the level of wife’s cleverness and her ability to stop the cheating instinct. Family is based on mutual understanding of a couple in love. And for people who love cheating is very harmful. Only sincere relations and family tolerance can avoid men cheating.

P.S. It’s thought that about 60% of men cheat on their partners – and 70% of wives don’t have a clue. Is your guy ever-true… or a sneaky cheat? Take the cheating quiz to find out.

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