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Finding Love Again: Advice for the Divorced Woman

January 26, 2012 By Leave a Comment

By Janet Blair Page, PhD,
Author of Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”

The legal freedom that comes from a divorce decree does not necessarily give you an emotional divorce or prepare you for the rest of your life. If you don’t resist them hate, resentment, or a camp follower attitude can be the ruination of your happy future, keeping you tied to the man you know you should leave behind.

Even if the final vote in your breakup was his not yours, you will live to see the day you can thank the man for leaving you but only if you can vow now to do what you need to do to recover and heal and to never ever be a victim.

Divorcing is almost always painful and sad with anger and grief but being divorced — that is an opportunity for an upgrade not a sentence to lifelong loneliness.

ARE YOU READY TO LOVE AGAIN?
Answer these questions to determine whether to start shopping or take time to further heal.

When you think of your ex?

A. Would you happily slaughter or soundly beat him?
B. Do you resent your time together and dwell on the emotional pain and upheaval but are trying to figure out what life by your own definition means?
C. Are you on the approach track to neutrality or forgiveness and proactive in your future and relatively uninvolved in his?
When you think of yourself?

A. Is it with overwhelming self-pity or feeling hopeless?
B. Are you up and down emotionally but feeling OK most of the time?
C. Has self-esteem and self-worth flowed back into your world and have you recently laughed heartily preferably at yourself?
When you think of the next man in your life?

A. Are you repelled, sickened, or terrified at the very thought?
B. Are you cautious but curious — you can joke and feel some turn on?
C. Is this an exciting concept that you can feel as well as visualize?
Do you feel an expansion of loving feelings?

A. More like wishing the world would go away and an attack team would nullify your enemies.
B. A happier self seems to be emerging and a few more people seem to actually be drawn to you.
C. Well being and well wishing of your fellow woman and man have returned.
Do you believe you are lovable?

A. Not willing to give anyone the chance — risk adverse and I’m not crazy about me?
B. Feel that way more and more.
C. Definitely a yes even easy to love.

What is your attitude toward men in general?

A. Low — am first to warn friends about the pitfalls and join in every opportunity at bashing.
B. Realize my situation was not reflective of all relationships.
C. Appreciation and trust and believe I could be good at selection.

Tally your answers.

If you chose A’s and B’s, don’t begin dating yet. Take a rest break to heal more first. Moving into a new relationship without emptying your baggage means your new love and eventually your lovingness will be dumped on or worse, you are vulnerable to attracting a man with his own matching set of bags. Don’t go there.

B’s with some C’s means ready to roll. Don’t wait for perfect. You are free to have a brand new clean version of who you are now — re-invent yourself and find the man who suits you best.

But do follow these steps:
Bypass what didn’t work in your marriage in choosing the new man but don’t over credit his lack of these deficits — be open to the new pluses and minuses in the company you keep.

Don’t compete with your ex’s time table — he or she who is quickest to be in a new relationship is not necessarily the winner.

Don’t bring a jury on your dates. Good friends, family, and children may have valuable opinions but no one knows what goes on between two people. You retain the right to choose.

Be constantly expanding your level of acceptance — you need a shopping list of requirements in the man you will re-marry as a safety net but the man of your dreams may not be like anyone you can currently imagine.

Expect to be treated well from the minute you meet a man — if you aren’t, you aren’t his dream girl so move rapidly on to a male with better eye sight.

Lighten up — finding new love is not funeral attendance. Don’t play ball with ineligibles but if you know they are eligible by your decree, don’t over think — have a ball.

© 2012 Janet Blair Page, PhD author of Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”

Filed Under: Featured articles, Women Tagged With: , , ,

Safety Dating Tips

December 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Social networking sites, like MySpace.com, are the hottest places today to keep in touch with old friends and make new ones—including hot local singles. The online social networking websites allows registered members to search for just about anyone and usually find just who they’re looking for. Many people have discovered how easy it is to use and have fallen in love with the concept of finding and meeting new friends on the net. The potential to meet singles and start relationships is practically limitless.

Unfortunately, there have been a few instances of dates turning sour. Again, due to its popularity, the MySpace site is not immune from this. In fact, MySpace.com is starting to get a bad reputation as a dating site. The fact that you can meet just about anyone online and form friendships quickly leads site visitors to believe that everyone on MySpace is a great person. The fact of the matter is there are good and bad people everywhere.

For example sake, lets take a quick run down on the MySpace site to see how it could happen. MySpace profiles allow members to elaborate on their best features, with the addition of pictures, friends’ comments and even blogs. It is possible to feel connections with members from the moment you read their profiles. This false connection can lead to a false sense of security.

So how can you use social networking sites, like MySpace.com, as a dating site and remain safe? It is simple. Just use common sense when meeting and getting to know the person. Being safe when dating someone you meet in the virtual community is no different than going on a blind date. Whether you are meeting someone from MySpace, answering a personal ad in the local newspaper, responding to an ad on a more popular mainstream dating site, or meeting your best friend’s brother, you should practice the same safety precautions.

It is important to remember that no matter where you are meeting someone, they could be good or they could be not-so-good.

Meet in a public area.
Your online date should agree to meet you in a public area. You should expect to have transportation to and from the initial meeting and don’t reveal your home address to your date. Once you meet for a few dates and you feel comfortable with the new person, you can make your contact information public if you like.

Trust your gut instinct.
There is a profound difference between butterflies in your stomach and your gut instinct telling you something is amiss with your potential date. You can let the butterflies flutter away, but you should never ignore your gut feelings about someone. If you feel there is something wrong, cancel the date or end it early.

Tell a friend.
Before setting out on your first few dates with your new single friend, tell a few real-life friends the good news. Let your friends know where the two of you are meeting and your expected time back from the date. More than likely, your friends will love hearing about the encounter and you will feel confident knowing someone will be expecting you to return during a certain timeframe. That way, if you are very late returning, your friend can check in on you.

Watch your drink.
If you decide to meet your online date for drinks, do keep an eye on your drink. Date rape drugs are easy enough to slip into a drink; they are odorless and tasteless. Try to time your restroom trips to come back to a fresh drink. Being aware of this unlikely trick isn’t being paranoid—it can save your life.

Observe your date and their reactions.
Everyone is different, but there are indications this new web friend could be trouble. Watch their reactions to everyday situations. Do they lose their temper quickly or often? Is the date hung up on their ex? Can your date laugh off embarrassing situations or do they become upset? Is the new person too pushy or aggressive? These reactions can tell you a side of them their online profiles may not. Keep in mind; most people are on their best behavior on the first couple of dates. If their best behavior includes anger and unhappiness, continue your search for the perfect match.

Just remember, you might message with the people online and feel as though you are more familiar with them than someone from a personal ad in the newspaper, but you aren’t until you meet them in real life. Use your common sense and everything you know about dating safety to make sure you truly enjoy your new online friends.

Filed Under: Women Tagged With: ,

Finding a lifelong partner

December 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Finding a husband or a wife really isn’t all that hard. Finding a mate that you will still be happy waking up with 25 years from now is just a little more difficult. The online world is filled with matchmaking and dating websites to help you find a life partner. And while some of us might be comfortable printing up flyers with photo and requirements, and passing them out on every street corner, your friend might have better luck using online dating services. Whatever the method you choose, it is important to separate the myths from the facts while you are looking to find a partner for life.

Don’t Compromise

Source www.interdating.ua

Many singles insist that they will not compromise in order to find their soulmate. And they shouldn’t. Compromising is not the same as narrowing the criteria that you are using to find a mate. Compromising on important things like deeply held religious beliefs, the role of each person in a household, or how to handle money matters will be disastrous in the long run. Your core beliefs are what make you unique and you must have a mate whose core beliefs are in line with your own.

What you don’t want to do is have such a narrow vision of your potential husband or wife that you automatically exclude other eligible singles who may actually be perfect for you. Most often, this is referring to physical traits that you feel you must have in a mate. For women, your vision may be that he must be tall, athletic, of a certain racial or financial background. For guys, it may be about physical beauty, her skill sets as a mother or even her agreeable disposition to your sense of style. But while it is important to be attracted to your potential mate physically, in order to find a husband or a wife it is equally important to open yourself up to new possibilities. “Does he/she make you laugh?” may be more important in the long run than “Can I always wear heels?” or “Will she stay this sexy forever?”

There is One Soul Mate for Everyone

If this were true, there would be a lot of lonely people in the world. Just as Ben and Jerry’s New York Superfudge Chunk might be the right ice cream at one point and Chubby Hubby might be right at another, different dating partners can be “the one” at different points in our lives. The bad boy surfer who was perfect for you straight out of college may not be so attractive ten years into a relationship when he refuses to grow up and get a real job or the sweetheart of a girl that you were attracted turned out to be a shopaholic in disguise. Just because you’ve been in love before, don’t give up and think that they are the only person in the world for you. Once you’ve given up your idea of what your “type” is, you may find that there are more potential mates out there than you thought.

Opposites Attract

This may be true for magnets, but not for people. In a committed, long term relationship, people with similar values and lifestyles appeal to each other. You don’t want someone who is exactly like you, but one who shares enough of these important qualities so that you can build a harmonious life together. Finding a mate involves soul searching and honesty when it comes to what really matters. Don’t look for a person to complete you — look for one that will compliment you.

You Get What You Expect

What you put out to the world has a large effect on what you receive. If you don’t take care of your health or appearance, expecting that your true love will be able to see past these physical things, you will attract people who truly don’t care about appearance — either in others or themselves. If you are trying to find someone who takes care of themselves enough to be around in your old age, you must seem like someone who does the same. You don’t have to primp or prep yourself up when going to the gym, but make sure you are neat and well groomed.

Many times, it is an imperceptible change in attitude that can make the difference. When you open yourself up to relationship possibilities, your stance may be straighter and your face more inviting and you will find yourself more attractive to the opposite sex. This is not the same as being seen as desperate. Desperation is quickly apparent and people tend to run when they get a whiff of it. Confidence in your worth, your abilities, and your attractiveness will go a long way toward finding an equally comparable life partner.

You Must Look for a Partner the Way You Look for a Job

If you are focused on finding a husband or a wife, you will find opportunities in many more places. When you are looking for a job, the best advice is to tell everyone you know about your skills and what you desire. They can then look in their circle of friends and beyond to try to help you make the connection that will get you the perfect job. This is also the best way to find a mate. Ask friends and colleagues to look for someone who they think would be a good match. Be prepared to “interview” many potential candidates. The law of averages shows that you must meet many singles before you find one who is right for you.

In today’s world, many jobseekers turn to the internet in their search. This can also be a great place to meet available singles. Online matchmaking services like PerfectMatch.com and eHarmony.com have an advantage over random meetings in that both parties are actively looking for a connection. Look for a service that attracts people who share similar values. Of course, just as you might go to a conference in your field when looking for a job, attending events that interest you can help in finding a true love. If you value charity, join an organization that builds houses for people. Expand your circle to include people who might have marriageable friends or colleagues, join a new gym, or enroll in a class. The more singles the activity attracts, the better.

Finding a true soulmate means that you have to make this a goal and try to focus your search on places or people who can help you meet the kind of singles who are right for you is key. Reevaluate your notions of the “perfect mate”, and you might just find husband/wife material sitting next to you on the train or at the next dinner party.

Filed Under: Men, Women

A Guide for the Newly Single

December 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

So you find yourself single again. Your partner has left you to fend for yourself in a world that seems increasingly complex and unfriendly. The reason is unimportant, but you’ve gone through a period of acclimatization and have decided you are emotionally ready to start dating again. Don’t glide over that concept: make sure you are no longer attached to your ex-partner.

Nothing will kill a budding relationship quicker than looking back; referring to the person you used to be with.

Any interested single will get the impression you’re still grieving over the separation, or they are competing with your old mate.

Image source: www.interdating.ua

Let’s take it for granted you are feeling optimistic, a little lonely, and ready to start a new relationship; you’re just not sure how to re-enter into the dating scene. It’s been so long since you met anyone new, so long since you had to mingle to expand your social circle beyond friends and family. The days of meeting other eligible singles in a bar are pretty well passe: it’s usually too loud and too distracting to get to know anyone, besides there’s always the possibility that they are too intoxicated to deal with.

We are living in a new millennium and along with so many technical innovations have come a series of social changes. Most single people don’t use bars and night clubs to meet other singles anymore. Sure, there’s still an occasional relationship sparked up in a crowded bistro, but serious singles have better places to be. In the 21st century, many men and women are concerned about their physical appearance; they want to present a trim fit version of themselves for potential suitors. This obsession with looks has filled up the gyms, spas, and health clubs, many of which have mixed gender memberships. You can imagine the parade of bachelors and bachelorettes strutting through a fitness salon, flexing their muscles or showing off their sleek svelte figure. It’s hard to imagine a more obvious version of “the Dating Game”. Do you see anyone you like?

Is this too superficial for you? If you are part of the Generation Y crowd, you may find that doing your laundry can serve a second purpose. Most of the 30′s and older dating crowd already have washing machines, or live in buildings that offer such amenities, but many twenty something singles still have to schlep their dirty clothes to a neighborhood Laundromat. This often necessitates sitting for a few hours waiting for laundry to wash, dry, and then folding it. This empty time can be put to better use than reading the paper or doing a crossword: look for and chat up people of the opposite sex. It’s not uncommon for two inexperienced young housekeepers to find common ground over the rumble of the clothes dryers; often cell numbers are exchanged, or a rendezvous made. If nothing else you’ve had social contact while cleaning your clothes.

If you’re not obsessed with your physical appearance, and are a little more established, don’t forget the fact that millions of singles are meeting online. Depending on your particular tastes, you can meet singles of similar type at mainstream dating sites like Match.com to online matchmaking services like eHarmony.com or niche singles websites like SugarDaddie.com. Because we live in a very instant access world, it makes sense that you’d meet other eligible singles at places like the local health clubs, Laundromats and even on the web. There are endless opportunities for romance, so stop lamenting your recent break-up, move on from the last relationship, put a smile on your face and give yourself a chance to find another soul mate and life will seem a lot rosier.

By: http://www.trudating.com

Filed Under: Men, Women

The Elusive Second Date

December 10, 2011 By Leave a Comment

For some of us, getting a first date may not be too difficult, but we’re often left wondering what went wrong when a second date never materializes. Consider what you may have done to discourage him or her from calling you again. A common reason why second dates are so elusive is that you may have appeared too desperate or needy. Did you give your date the impression that you are willing to settle for any single person who will give you the time of day? A call the next day to let the person know you enjoyed their company may be appropriate but too many calls, emails or voice mails will drive them away in a New York minute.

Use self-control and patience, but don’t play too hard-to-get! A compliment on your date’s clothing or appearance is welcome, but too many compliments, or one repeated too often, can be alarming. Don’t overdo it and give them the impression your flattery is insincere. Keep the dating conversation light. Ask them about their job, their interests and their family.

Be genuinely interested in the answers and give him or her time to talk and ask questions, too. Don’t delve into personal issues and past relationships, or ask if they’re looking for a serious relationship. Leave those issues alone until you’ve dated a few times and had the opportunity to get to know each other better and find that you enjoy being together. Keep your first meeting short. Spend one or two hours together. A short, enjoyable meet and greet is preferable to one that last hours when you’ve figured out after the first ten minutes that he or she just isn’t for you! On the flip side, a short date will leave them wanting to spend more time with you instead of regretting an ill-spent evening. Drink responsibly. One or two drinks may make the dating conversation flow more smoothly, but too much alcohol may show a side of you that you may not want to expose!

Becoming inebriated on the first date may make them wonder whether you have an alcohol problem and can lead to other unintentional behaviors. When you are looking for a serious relationship, you want to be the kind of person that anyone would introduce to their family. So, try to exude qualities of a secure confident person who has a life of your own and isn’t spending time waiting by the phone in desperation for someone to love them. So no matter how awkwardly the first meeting went, these are the matchmaking qualities that will inspire a follow up date.

By http://www.trudating.com

Filed Under: Men, Women

Emotional Availability: Gratitude Instead of Attitude

December 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Don’t get digusted but some of my greatest reading happens while on the toilet. I’ve been bouncing around the notion of emotional unavailability for a couple of days now. Although most books and articles you read on the matter have merit, I’m discovering the information needs to be weighed carefully before you label someone.

I am into self-help books. Have been since my first aha moment came while reading a book lying idly on my sister’s bed: Love Is A Choice. I couldn’t figure out why I was stuck emotionally in a relationship that was long over. This book got me unstuck. I digress. Back to my epiphany while sitting on the Great White Throne.

I picked up one of my books, Relationship Rescue, and, honest-to-goodness, there was a business card I had used as a bookmark on page 155. My eyes went automatically to the section called Emotional Needs but right above it, these words jumped out:

A note about emotional needs: this is a broad category that deals with how you need to feel. How you need to feel is up to you, not your partner. Your partner cannot make you feel the way you feel, but your partner can help you achieve your desired feelings by becoming aware of what they are and sensitive to the fact that they are important to you. At this point, don’t worry about how you expect your partner to respond to these needs. Identify them so that you can communicate them.
WOW! Just about blew me off the throne! Unknown to but a friend or two – okay, maybe a dozen – I have been struggling with my emotional needs.

While browsing various articles online, I came across this statement: If you keep attracting men who are unavailable, then something inside of you is unavailable (I paraphrase). How profound! In the words of my friend, Pam, “Good God-A-Mighty!” As I sit here pondering that answer to a post on Answer.com, I realize that when I was unattached, I met my own emotional needs. I wasn’t starved for attention. I paid attention. I wasn’t starved for connection. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who were available to dish, to go places, to give warm hugs and interact with me. When I longed for spiritual connection, I found ways to reconnect with my inner core. When I needed pampering, I’d consult my Musiq Soulchild playlist and soak in an aromatic bath. What happened to me? Like many people, when I met that special someone, I made him responsible for my feelings. One could argue that by doing so, I became unavailable for me… and for him.

How many good men or women get thrown away because they don’t do what we want, when we want and how we want? How many people have we abandoned? How many people have been spooked by our neediness?! If they meet our needs, we feel good. We might even say we’re falling in love or have found our soulmate. If they don’t, we diss-and-dismiss. We shrug it off as incompatibility or…well….unavailability.

When you realize your own power or your Higher Power’s ability to meet your needs, there’s a grace that settles over you. You don’t hold your partner at gunpoint. And you don’t just throw people away haphazardly. You have a sense of joy that radiates from within. You have a concern about the health and well-being of others. It makes people feel comfortable being around you. You appreciate what they add to your life. Ummm, gratitude instead of attitude.

I don’t say this as one who has attained. Not. At. All. I struggle like the next person. Just ask my friends. My girlfriends who feel with me. My male friends who reason with me. And my wonderful guy who is happy just to have me in his life – emotional and all. Priceless!

Filed Under: Men, Women Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Women Dating After Divorce

November 20, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Divorce is a reality of life. Divorce is never easy, no matter what situation the couple is currently in. Women dating after divorce, what is your take about that? Occasionally people are pressured into dating again. You shouldn’t worry too much. When the right time comes, you will meet the perfect person for you. Your goal is to TAKE YOUR TIME.

lonely girl sitting with mobile phone

These are natural feelings and doubts of women dating after divorce. But whatever happens, you should not feel pressured.

 

There are so several things to consider now. You may feel that dating is not as easy as it used to be before you got married and it is correct. You might be even jumpy at the very thought of seeing other men after what you’ve been through. These are natural feelings and doubts of women dating after divorce. But whatever happens, you should not feel pressured. Cited below are tips and special pointers to help you in dating again.

You First

The very first consideration in dating after getting divorced is you; what is it you really want? Do you think you are fit to start dating? Are you pressured by your friends and relatives? Certainly, having a good support system is critical. Don’t take it in the negative, they mean well. But the most important question to ask is what you really want at this point in time? What do you need? . If you feel forced, then don’t! Nobody should force you to do something you are not ready to do. But if you feel you are ready to meet and date other men then by all means do so. In this case nobody should tell you what you can not do especially if it’s about your own contentment and fulfillment.

Let us fast forward a little bit and say you already found somebody you like to go out with, what should you do? How should you control the situation? One sure answer is to take it slow. No need to rush. Enjoy and find out more about your dating partner. Keep in mind the mistakes you made in the past and try very hard not to fall into those things again. Now having said that experts are also advising people who had gone through a brutal patch that there is a fine line between being cautious and being fixated. Socialize and enjoy if this is what you want but also be on the lookout for the red light that this dude is not good idea.

Kids

Care about your children as well. Always remember that they also went through a complicated time with the divorce. The decision you make affects them as well. How you talk with them and how you tell them what you are feeling at this point would all depend on the ages of your children. But remember that whatsoever age they may be this is always a sensitive concern.

Relationship experts would recommend to introduce your dating partner if you are serious about the relationship. No need to introduce your children to all your dating partners. It will bewilder them more. But it is necessary that you tell them about the situation you are currently in and how you want to start your life again. Know how they feel and appreciate their feedback.

How And Where?

Aside from your concern about your children, these are the next difficult questions to answer: how to start and where to begin? Go back to your past hobbies and activities that interest you. Engage in activities that will empower you and make you a better person. This will give you back the ”old feelings” of having a good time and going out. You may want to see what’s new in cinemas, go to nice restaurants or go to the country side. These are just some samples of places you can go to enjoy yourself and to meet somebody interesting in the process. Have fun.

Divorce is a fact of life but your life should not end there. It might even be a beginning of something better and greater things in your personal affairs. Just don’t forget that first and foremost is you and what you want. Next, consider your kids. Learn to love and forgive yourself before you can start loving again. Find yourself and be happy.

Filed Under: Women Tagged With:

About Men: Do You Speak Male?

November 16, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Understanding a Man’s Language

Do you speak male? Let’s look at a typical exchange: deciding where to go for dinner. “What do you have a taste for?” he asks. “I don’t know, what do you want to eat?” she replies, priding herself on being agreeable, cooperative and selfless. She doesn’t understand why he gets agitated.

woman and four men sitting at table

Do you speak male? Learn now as there is no translator ever available.

If I was traveling to France for a vacation or to study abroad, it would be critical to my success in that country that I at least familiarize myself with the language. I’d need to be able to ask for directions, catch a cab, order a meal. This could mean the difference between ordering snails and chicken! Yet, men and women don’t even make the effort to learn each other’s language. Instead we argue that men are running game and men argue that women are playing games.

Certainly there is a psychology to the way men communicate. I asked a retired gentleman why men don’t like to ask for directions. Proudly, I interjected, “it’s because you want to be the hero.” “That’s right, he said, “but it’s deeper than that.” He had my attention. “We don’t want to seem like wimps. To us, only wimps have to ask for directions.” He added that men see it as a sign of weakness.

Tip #1. If a man asks where you want to eat, tell him where you want to eat.

If a man asks a woman a question, he is interested in one thing – the answer. He isn’t testing her for compatibility. In fact, most men find it boring when they’ve met a female clone of themselves. Take a tip from the popular Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America. A good man wants a woman who has her own mind. Not someone who is waiting for a man to give her his. You see, he gets pleasure from giving you what you want and is intrigued by your perspective.
Generally, men are direct and like direct answers to their questions. Sure, in the beginning of a relationship, some witty banter can be sexy. But as a rule, men don’t mix words. They don’t contemplate appropriateness. They don’t check their internal emotional and social circuits before answering.

Do you speak male? Your man says, “babe, I’ll be at your house by 7:00pm” but doesn’t show up until 9:00pm. You meet a man at an outing and he begs for your phone number. “I’m gonna call you,” he yells repeatedly as you drive away. He doesn’t call. We women rehearse, review, agonize and seek answers among our girlfriends or compare notes with other women.

Tip #2. If you want to know what he is really saying, don’t ask another woman.

My cousin Lawrence was my go-to guy for understanding men. He’d listen as I explained my relationship challenges. Let me share a page from my personal history. I was quite smitten with a fella who was engaged to another woman. It didn’t start out romantic – seldom does – but it wasn’t long before I became attached. Thoughts like, “he didn’t expect to fall in love with you, girl,” “This is a hard decision for him,” “Be patient,” pervaded all reason. To this, my cousin chuckled and said, “He wants his cake and eat it too.” Interpretation? He has no intention of leaving her for you.
Not convinced, I would continue to explain in hopes that I was giving a convincing argument. I’d review what he said, the context and how it made me feel. Nevertheless, regardless of the spin I put on it, “He wants his cake and eat it too,” was my cousin’s response. A month later, my man married his fiancé.

Tip #3. If a man repeatedly tells you he’ll do something but doesn’t, he does not value you.

I’ve listened as my clients, my girlfriends and women I don’t even know lament about their man being late or not calling. Countless hours wasted trying to figure out why when, if a woman spoke male, she’d know his actions were clear. “But he explained that he had to work,” “his mother was sick,” “he had Baby Mama drama.” Or if he’s a real charmer, “I was out getting this for you, baby.” To this, author Greg Behrendt replies, “he’s just not that into you.”
In the female world, we express ourselves differently. To a man, woman-talk is chaotic and hard to follow. Consequently, we need the support of women who speak our language and with whom we can relax. I’m not suggesting that a woman abandon who she is for a man. Oh no. I see it like this, just because I learn to speak French doesn’t mean that I’ve thrown away my first language. After all, one does not learn a new language because the old one needs replacing. One learns a new language to expand and grow. Learning to speak male builds intimacy.

Do you speak male? Men are not that hard to figure out if you learn their language.

Filed Under: Featured articles, Women Tagged With: ,

About Men: A Defensive Man Can’t Love

November 2, 2011 By
black man wearing glasses in white shirt and tie with a grima?e on face

It wasn't obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first.. So what do you mean when you say "defensive?"

It wasn’t obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first. He was fun to talk with. We’d spend hours on the phone and not even be aware of how much time had passed. He was so attentive and excited about me. We shared many of the same views and experiences in life. And if we differed, it disappeared in the fog of our romance. But after a while and bye-and-bye, the fog began to lift.

So what do you mean when you say “defensive?” I think most of us recognize the blaring signs: he is easily upset or overly critical right off the bat. Sometimes defensiveness is more subtle though. It can simply be that his interaction with you is underwhelming, guarded or confusing.

Here is my short list of do-not-ignore signs:

  • He doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother or he makes you feel lacking in comparison. Sure, a man should regard what his mother says and treat her with respect and love; but if he can’t attach to you because he is overly attached to her; then there is a problem.
  • He pushes for you to look or behave a certain way. For example, you might prefer your hair short and sassy, but he insists that you grow it long. In fact, he schedules you an appointment with his cousin who does weaves and shows you a picture of how he wants it to look.  That might sound extreme but, believe me, there are some men out there who can’t love you unless you fit their ideal.
  • He refers to women with mistrust. You get the feeling that outside of attraction and sex, he doesn’t have a favorable view of womanhood. It’s as if he’s nursing a grudge from a past offense and despite how loving and attentive you are to his needs, your efforts are overshadowed by some phantom from the past. He may even withhold attention or affection, referencing some erroneous belief that to give you those things would enable you to hurt him in some way.
  • He is quick to go on the attack or on the defense. Blaming and shaming is his response when you share your feelings or an observation of him. “You are too emotional,” he might say.  Or he gets bent out of shape easily.  My all time favorite? Tit for tat.  You point out something that he’s doing that bothers you and he deflects by pointing out what you do that bothers him.
  • He may threaten to leave you, distance himself in some way from you or make it difficult for you to get back in his good graces. He can be punitive in his disposition or can have a cavalier attitude.  Most insidious in my opinion is the silent treatment.  Say, you’ve apologized but he is still emotionally removed from you.  To me, that’s very controlling and is a telling sign of how he deals with conflict.  Sidebar:  when he asks you what’s wrong, don’t say “nothing” when you know good and well that mad is written all over your face.  It’s just as wrong when you do it as when he does it.
  • He hates another person just because of their race or culture. Admittedly, we all have dislikes and preferences but a bigot takes dislike or preference to a harmful and dehumanizing level. I believe this. If you have ever been oppressed by a people or a culture, it is just as wrong for you to become the oppressor when you are in a position of power.

I must interject here that figuring out if your date or your man is defensive isn’t always immediate. Neither is it an exact science. There are aspects of maleness that are just…..well…how he is wired.

For instance, men love attention. I’ve been told that the best first date icebreaker is asking a man about himself. Men LOVE to talk about themselves. Here’s a good litmus test. If every time you are with him you feel like he is more interested in talking about himself and his needs than being interested in yours then you need to take note.   If his is the only reflection he sees in his mirror, then he can’t see you.  And if he can’t see you, he darn sure can’t date you.

Another aspect of maleness is how he responds to stress. Men process things internally first. Women tend to process things externally by talking about them. Please don’t assume that he is defensive just because he prefers not to engage in exhaustive communication about a problem or a difficulty with you. He only wants to know one thing — how to solve it. As long as he handles your feelings well, you just have to accept that about him.

A man may be public with affection but he’s normally more private with his emotions. That’s just how most men are.  So if he’s not gushing about how his friend broke his toy when he was little during the beginning stages of dating, don’t penalize him. If, however, you’ve been dating for a while and he is persistently secretive, guarded or detached, then that’s something you must not ignore.

One final piece of advice.  If you have found a good man, a loving man, then handle him with care. Even a good man who adores you can become defensive if mishandled. Listen very very closely. If your man decides to share his soft underbelly with you, you must never EVER throw it back up in his face or dismiss it like it’s a small thing. Even if you are mad as fire at something he’s done or said and feel that you won’t ever get over it, tell him you need some time to process it.  Yes, even grown folks need to put themselves in time-out sometimes.  In an episode of Ice Loves Coco, Ice T said something that caught my attention.  ”You have to realize that a disagreement isn’t all-out war. It’s just a difference.”  Differences can be negotiated.  Character flaws cannot.

Fog is part of the euphoria of romance. It can’t be avoided. Given time, the fog lifts and you see the person for who they are.  Steve Harvey suggests waiting until at least 90 days before having sex for that very reason.  I’ve also read books by Dr. Phil and Ronn Elmore.  I can’t remember if they concur with the time frame but I do know they agree that it takes time to really know a man.  Regardless, there’s one thing I know for sure.  Time with you will not fix what’s broken.  I feel like I need to say it again.  Time with you will not fix what’s broken.  We somehow think that a man will change if given more time.  A leopard is a leopard and will continue to be a leopard no matter how much time you give it.  Likewise, if a man’s a critic at the beginning of the relationship, he’ll be a bigger critic the same time next year.

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Treat Dating Like Shopping For a Successful Relationship

October 19, 2011 By Leave a Comment
If you are good at shopping, you can navigate the world of dating with the same enjoyment and success. Follow these simple shopping tips, and you can have the relationship that you want!

 

Discover your own personal style.

Know thyself is the first and most important shopping tip. It is imperative that you know what clothing styles are most flattering and resonate with your uniqueness. No need to look for a personal stylist – a trusted friend will do.
Black woman chooses clothin in a store

Dating is like shopping - look carefully, remember what you want, and make a right choice. And.. keep a receipt in case you want to give it back or change)

In Dr. Phil’s book, Love Smart, he takes you through an exercise where you define what you are looking for in a partner, i.e., personality, social skills, relational style, spiritual compatibility and physical characteristics. Except you understand and befriend who you are and discern your season of life, he could pass you on the street and you’d never recognize him.

 

Locate the best places to shop.

The second shopping tip is location, location, location! Now that you are armed with self knowledge, you are ready to find stores that showcase your personal style. My pal, Dr. Phil calls this a target-rich environment (“where the boys are”). This is where you shop. Discontinue that nightclub, bar-hopping bargain basement shopping where the idea is to get something for nothing or to get something quick and in a hurry. You must be more discriminating and purposeful in your shopping.

A word of caution: Don’t go to an event or locale purely to meet eligible men. The man is the hunter; you are merely shopping. A good friend of mine said “A man is just an accessory.” And for most women, accessorizing is fun! In fact, men have said there is nothing more attractive than a woman enjoying herself. Therefore, choose hangouts, events or activities that you are genuinely interested in. Your enjoyment must resound from within.

Shop with the end in mind.

The strength of a product or service is how much use you can get out of it. One cannot minimize the importance of this shopping tip. This rang true for me when I tuned into Oprah’s interview with Will Smith during the promotion of his new movie, Hitch. “Look for someone with range,” advises Will. This is someone who is versatile and at home in a range of social situations. A doctor friend of mine revealed what drew him to his wife. “She was an uptown girl. No doubt. But I knew she was the one when she was just as comfortable eating a bag lunch with me on a park bench. “

Shop with the end in mind. No more impulse buying. No more making a purchase based on attraction only. Yes, he might be as sexy as Matthew McConaughey or as charismatic as Densel Washington. She may be a timeless beauty like Demi Moore or every man’s fantasy, Halle Berry. But if there is no strength of character…NEXT.

Read the Care Instructions.

I learned early on that it is just as important to get auto insurance estimates and find out the cost of maintenance when shopping for a car. Likewise, it is very important to read the care instructions when deciding on a potential partner. Realistically, you need to surmise what it takes to maintain the product — the emotional, social, and spiritual investment.

A quality man or woman has a certain lifestyle and unique personal habits. For instance, a woman in management may be accustomed to spending $700 on a business suit without even blinking. A TV anchorman not only takes stock in his personal appearance but may pay big bucks for a personal stylist and groomer. I’m not suggesting that you settle, but you have to gauge the amount of sweat equity necessary.

Count up the cost.

Before you put that item in your shopping cart and march to the check out counter, count up the cost. This is where many a shopper loses heart and settles. “Do you love him?” “I’m not in love with him but my kids adore him.” “Do you love her?” “Sure, she’s a lawyer.” The costs may seem staggering-but not for a savvy shopper. A savvy shopper never settles. She has done her homework and knows not only the where’s and the how’s but the when’s of shopping.

Heather Headley sings, “Understand the Nature of a Man.” In my article, About Men: Do You Speak Male?, I reveal how important it is that a woman learn a man’s language. “If a man asks a woman a question, he is interested in one thing – the answer. He isn’t testing her for compatibility. In fact, most men find it boring when they’ve met a female clone of themselves. Take a tip from the popular Eddie Murphy movie, Coming to America. A good man wants a woman who has her own mind. Not someone who is waiting for a man to give her his…”

“It’s all about timing,” writes Dr. Phil. If you are looking for a lasting relationship, the key is to find an individual who is tired of chasing skirts and is looking to put down roots. He has to be available too. There is nothing more frustrating than having an impressive introduction but finding it easier to cross a busy intersection than to go on a date. Just because his profile reads “looking for a relationship,” you may find that his life is too crowded. Having the kids this weekend, a demanding work schedule or doing stuff with/for his family may be reasons he offers for unreturned phone calls and cancelled dates. Only you can determine if there is sufficient payoff to warrant your sustained interest.

If you hold fast to these five tips, I can’t promise that you’ll be married within the year, but I can promise that you’ll increase the likelihood of having the relationship you desire. And you’ll have goo-gobs of fun doing it. So get ready… set… SHOP!

Filed Under: Featured articles, Women Tagged With: ,
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