How to avoid common mistakes people make starting dating again after divorce

There are several let’s call them “conditions” so you can start dating again.

The first one is most natural and shows you’ve made significant progress in recovering and are ready for any kind of relationships. This is desire to meet somebody new, have true romance, have everything connected with it and as result to have a new family. Remember we agreed to use “new” as another word for “better.”

This is the ideal scenario that sooner or later you will achieve.

What are the other conditions? Why do so many people feel worse after a first attempt to date after divorce? Let’s see what other “conditions” lead us to a positive outcome.

First year after divorce

Let’s see what psychologists say about this. Most experts agree, you need some time to recover before you consider dating again.

Mrs. Trutay PhD says: “… if new relationships are being built during a first year after divorce they have no prospect for a future. Usually during the first six months after divorce a person suffers from separation extensively. As a result of that self-esteem goes down, a person can not properly evaluate people around. After six months self-esteem starts to go up and a desire to find a new partner appears. It is not rare when meeting somebody new that a person sees a “prince on a white horse” or “a princess” with whom all the past will be forgotten and a fairy-tale will last forever. “He/she is the best. Everything will be different with him.” But often after a while a person wakes up recovering from the trauma caused by divorce and starts to see a new partner in a true light.

Psychologist Dr. Grace Cornish says "You don't want to meet someone with the slightest behavior pattern that is similar to the “ex”. You pull away and won’t give that person a chance," says Cornish, author of The Sacred Bond (McDonald-Livingstone, 2005). "When someone gets divorced, sometimes they build a protective coat around their heart. You want to make sure you are completely over that before dating again."

This is why we recommend not starting new relations in a first year after divorce. You should spend this time putting everything in order inside of you, to evaluate yourself as a unique personality, to believe in your strengths and abilities. 

Discussing old relationships

Each of us demands respect. Each of us needs some freedom, both inside and around us.

Telling your new friend about your past marriage shows your respect and openness, trust and serious intention. But what happens when people go beyond just talking about their previous marriage and make each other witnesses to their past problems?

The people who originally got together to be together and have romance, become counselors and psychologists for each other. What does your mate feels after you tell all those things about your “ex”? Most probably like your “ex” who caused you these problems. Or like your ex who doesn’t have what you want.

Another aspect of this is that you experience those situations again and again, which makes it more difficult to be free of them. You build new patters exactly like the old. So, you have one foot in the past while the other is trying to build a new relationships. You see what is going on here – you are still in the past.

Not having a border between openness and respect to your mate’s feelings often end very promising relationships.

Are you ready? Have you done your homework?

Can you remember WHY you got married?

What were you expectations, hopes, and thoughts?

What got in the way? What part did you really play in bringing your marriage to an end?

If you are going to start a new relationship with a serious purpose you need to realize what you expect it to be. If you have not done your “homework” after the broken marriage and are going to another relation without exact knowledge what you want, there is little chance the new relationships will be more successful than previous ones. In the end you might realize your first marriage was the most successful in your life. But you are already divorced, that train has left.

Your choice – either to do the homework well or chase that disappearing train.

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