Don’t get digusted but some of my greatest reading happens while on the toilet. I’ve been bouncing around the notion of emotional unavailability for a couple of days now. Although most books and articles you read on the matter have merit, I’m discovering the information needs to be weighed carefully before you label someone.
I am into self-help books. Have been since my first aha moment came while reading a book lying idly on my sister’s bed: Love Is A Choice. I couldn’t figure out why I was stuck emotionally in a relationship that was long over. This book got me unstuck. I digress. Back to my epiphany while sitting on the Great White Throne.
I picked up one of my books, Relationship Rescue, and, honest-to-goodness, there was a business card I had used as a bookmark on page 155. My eyes went automatically to the section called Emotional Needs but right above it, these words jumped out:
A note about emotional needs: this is a broad category that deals with how you need to feel. How you need to feel is up to you, not your partner. Your partner cannot make you feel the way you feel, but your partner can help you achieve your desired feelings by becoming aware of what they are and sensitive to the fact that they are important to you. At this point, don’t worry about how you expect your partner to respond to these needs. Identify them so that you can communicate them.
WOW! Just about blew me off the throne! Unknown to but a friend or two – okay, maybe a dozen – I have been struggling with my emotional needs.
While browsing various articles online, I came across this statement: If you keep attracting men who are unavailable, then something inside of you is unavailable (I paraphrase). How profound! In the words of my friend, Pam, “Good God-A-Mighty!” As I sit here pondering that answer to a post on Answer.com, I realize that when I was unattached, I met my own emotional needs. I wasn’t starved for attention. I paid attention. I wasn’t starved for connection. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who were available to dish, to go places, to give warm hugs and interact with me. When I longed for spiritual connection, I found ways to reconnect with my inner core. When I needed pampering, I’d consult my Musiq Soulchild playlist and soak in an aromatic bath. What happened to me? Like many people, when I met that special someone, I made him responsible for my feelings. One could argue that by doing so, I became unavailable for me… and for him.
How many good men or women get thrown away because they don’t do what we want, when we want and how we want? How many people have we abandoned? How many people have been spooked by our neediness?! If they meet our needs, we feel good. We might even say we’re falling in love or have found our soulmate. If they don’t, we diss-and-dismiss. We shrug it off as incompatibility or…well….unavailability.
When you realize your own power or your Higher Power’s ability to meet your needs, there’s a grace that settles over you. You don’t hold your partner at gunpoint. And you don’t just throw people away haphazardly. You have a sense of joy that radiates from within. You have a concern about the health and well-being of others. It makes people feel comfortable being around you. You appreciate what they add to your life. Ummm, gratitude instead of attitude.
I don’t say this as one who has attained. Not. At. All. I struggle like the next person. Just ask my friends. My girlfriends who feel with me. My male friends who reason with me. And my wonderful guy who is happy just to have me in his life – emotional and all. Priceless!