Marriage brings in happiness and joy in life but divorce does the right opposite of it. It brings along miseries, grief and the agony of choosing an incorrect life partner.

There can be many reasons for divorce. However, there are some prominent reason behind divorce like infidelity, lack of commitment in marriage, financial problem, lack of communication, addiction, desertion and many others. Getting divorce is a not an easy thing to do and divorce can be avoided given one is ready to work in the relationship and save the marriage.

Children face the worst effects of divorce. Many divorcing couples often forget about their children and feel that they are getting divorce and only they are getting affected by it but it is not true. Children go through the worst stress they can ever handle and it can leave a very long lasting effect on the budding mind of any child. Divorce also causes a big dent in one’s pocket. Getting a divorce is not cheap affairs given you are taking an uncontested divorce.

There are many reasons behind the sky rocketing divorce rate. Given below are some of the reasons for divorce:

• Lack in commitment: Running behind the daily mad rush of life, leave people so much involved in their own life that they are not able to give time to their marriage and that causes divorce. It can be easily avoided just by giving time to your marriage.

• Infidelity: Breach of trust and betrayal can never be forgiven and this is what happens in the cases of infidelity. People develop relations outside marriage and that leads to divorce. There are hardly many cases when divorce was avoided in the case of infidelity. The best way to avoid this is to stay faith full to your spouse. Cheating is a momentary fun but the consequences are disastrous.

• Lack of communication: Who is going to get stuck with you if you are not going to talk with that person? Communication in marriage is very important. The free flow of emotions and thoughts can save your marriage in an unbelievable way. Just by talking more and expressing yourself more and encouraging your spouse to do the same will save your marriage from the demon called divorce.

• Addiction: Any kind of addiction is a confirmed ground for divorce. For an addicted person, life revolves around how to full fill his addiction. For them nothing else matters and this makes life difficult for other spouse. Addicts can become troublesome if they do not have money to continue their addiction

• Financial Problem: If you do not have money to run your daily household show then you are playing with marriage and divorce. Less money means more fights and arguments and this is going to happen no matter how good is your marriage

• Rush in marriage: It is one of most rising reason behind divorce. People often tend to get carried away in emotions and get married. But after some days love disappears and then follows the gallows of fights, arguments and finally the death of marriage. One can easily avoid this by just using mind while taking the decision of marriage.

• Desertion: People leave their family and run away chasing their dreams. This is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. All the desertion involved cases end up in uncontested divorce. It is better to leave the person rather than waiting.

About Author: I am Lisa Levis, law graduate. I am working as content writer since 2010. I am writing for www.edivorcepapers.com. Here I mostly writes for ideas of property after divorce. And handle all the article guest post for that website.

Here is Dr. Ronn’s top five list:

1. There’s a shortage of available men.
2. God expects your faith, but not your works.
3. You must date one man at a time.
4. His approval is your responsibility.
5. Your future will be the same as your past.

We’ve all either read or heard the latest statistics about the number of men to women or the census reports that 50% of marriages end in divorce. But here are a few statistics, I’m sure you’d be interested to know:

• After analyzing databases of dating sites dedicated to American and European daters and social networks, as well as consulting the United States Census Bureau, the results are conclusive that the number of men’s profiles trumps women’s 75% to 25%. This is for unpaid as well as for paid sites.
• Divorce rates have been falling over the past two decades. One contributing factor is that people are waiting until later to get married.

There’s a shortage of available men.  Look out your window, there is no shortage of men. Go into any barber shop, home improvement or hardware store, automotive shop and you see goo-gobs of men. Sports bars are packed especially during the play offs or other major sporting events. Men are everywhere! Tall ones, short ones, dark ones, light ones. This is the truth. That realization helped to diffuse the lie that there is a shortage. There is no shortage of men. Say it with me, “there is no shortage of men.”  There is no shortage of men who give us a second look when we pass by or who open the door for us when we’re entering or exiting a store. So, first things first, adopt a new perspective. Like Iyanla Vanzant says and I paraphrase, “you got to change the way you tell your story….else you’ll stay stuck in the negativity of it.”

God expects your faith, but not your works.  This second lie brings to my mind the mantras of countless single women that makes me cringe every time I hear them say it. “A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God that a man has to seek Him just to find her,” they say, quoting Maya Angelou. This is quite a popular post on Facebook.  And the resounding responses they get are: ”Yes, cause the Bible says ‘he that findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.’” “Yeah, girl, that’s why I ain’t chasin no man.” Here’s what bothers me. Many of these women either don’t date, won’t leave their homes to mix with men or their body language sends the message: DON’T COME NEAR ME!  I challenged a girlfriend of mine just the other day. She said, “well, I’m just gonna let God send me the right man.” My response? How is he gonna find you if you never come out? If you never go to places where men are? If you always hang around female-type venues, then all you gonna attract is more females into your life. Is that what you want? Now, I’m not one to say go to a basketball game if you don’t like basketball, but there are other venues that men come to that women attend. Men like jazz and live music. Men like wine-tastings. Men like home improvement stores. Men buy groceries. Men go out to eat. Men go to gyms. Men walk their dogs. I think you get where I’m going with this. So, like Dr. Ronn says, “make a bold effort.” Get out of the house. Go to coed events. Dang, go online. You don’t have to chase a man, but at least let him know you exist. Let him notice you enjoying yourself. I hear that is very attractive. Annnnnnd, please, please when he walks up to you, be open and friendly. I learned this.  I went on www.meetup.com and started going to groups that interested me. I went online and posted my profile on a couple of dating sites. That’s how I met my boyfriend of a year and some change. Best decision I could have made!

You must date one man at a time.  For some reason, most women I talk with are turned off by a man who is dating other women while dating them. Some poor fellas have almost been held at verbal gunpoint for it. How unfair is that? Before stoning him, I have learned you have to find out if he is dating anyone seriously.  It ain’t exclusive until it’s exclusive. Me personally, I think a man should earn his way into exclusivity with me. So what if he’s dating another woman. My conclusion was she ain’t me. And she will never, ever, ever be me. You have to believe that what you’re working with is unique and worthy. If he doesn’t figure that out, then let him leave or exit yourself. That was so freeing.  Equally freeing was dating multiple men kept me from feeling desperate or despairing if things didn’t work out.

Some great advice I heard and followed was to treat dating like a job interview. Here though, you have a dual role. Not only are you being interviewed but you are the interviewer. This is important.  You get to decide if a man is right for you.  So I learned to be a savvy interviewer. I got my top questions that I asked him, not forcefully but at intermittent times during the date. Good interviewers know how to be genuine, approachable and affirming regardless of whether they plan on hiring the candidate or not. Having said that, like an interviewer, you aren’t going to hire just anybody, you have to feel confident you have found the right man for the job before dismissing equally viable candidates. Steve Harvey had a healthy perspective on this. In his book and movie inspired by the book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, he adds, “[even once hired] you aren’t eligible for benefits for at least 90 days in.” This is so they can see if you are really serious. Why should we treat dating any different?

Dr. Ronn says that there is no assumed exclusivity. If a man wants exclusivity he will say the words. Until then, it’s your God-given right to date, date, and date some more. Be honest. Tell him you are dating other men. If he is confident in what he has to offer, this won’t bother him. He’ll stay the course until he’s persuaded you that he’s worthy of you. In fact, this will probably motivate him to work for you. He’ll know he can’t use the same lame lines and same lame game with you. You are special. This is what I learned.

His approval is your responsibility. We women are quite competitive. Not in the same way men are, but we are just the same. We often compare ourselves with other women. Are we as pretty as she is? Do we look as nice? Trust me when I tell you that when another woman enters the room, we’re sizing ourselves up against her. If we feel good about us, we aren’t swayed; but if we don’t, it will show up in how we hate on her or how we hate on ourselves compared to her. Maybe that’s why we are hypersensitive about what our man thinks of us. Does he approve of us? If he complains about something, does that mean that we’re not good enough? I ain’t gon lie, at 52 years old, I sometimes feel insecure about my attractiveness. I can say that it has absolutely nothing to do with how my man treats me. His eyes sparkle whether I have on a cocktail dress and heels or a T-shirt and jeans. It goes back to my internal dialogue. Am I enough? Am I enough that if I do something he doesn’t like, we get into an argument, I don’t cook like his mom, or any of those other major things, he’ll still be glad he’s with me. If I get a little chubby around the mid-section, if I go natural, when things get more routine between us, will he be perfectly happy or will he dream of someone else? I agree with Dr. Ronn, making someone else’s approval your goal will burn you out. The solution is in being your best self. This is where I go when I feel that nasty inkling of insecurity. I have to work on and rely on what I have inside. Pretty is a dime a dozen but beautiful comes from within. The more I focus on that and demonstrate the substance and grace of who I am, the more beautiful I feel and the more lucky he feels to have me.

Your future will be the same as your past.  The future is up to you. I learned that. After 32 years of false-starts, underwhelming dating experiences, two failed marriages and re-entering the dating world later in life, I know this. The future will mirror your past if you don’t make changes. On this, my solution differs somewhat from Dr. Ronn’s. He says that the solution is to be hopeful. I don’t think that’s enough though. I listen to my girlfriends after every dating incidence that goes nowhere. They vent, despair, analyze, square their shoulders and get right back out there. Their determination is admirable. Their efforts, valiant. They are very hopeful. All of us were hopeful. I think hopefulness is important but it has to be directed at the right person. I know you think I’m gonna say that the right person is the right man. To the contrary. Your hopefulness has to be directed towards you. I’ve heard and I’m sure you’ve heard this too, “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.” Ergo the definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing and expecting a different result.” In order to have a bright future, we have to acknowledge that the game is what it is. We can’t change that. But we can change how we play it. A man is who he is. We can’t change that. But we can be our best selves and educate ourselves. Therein lies our hope.

Please do get up from reading this article with the idea that you are to play the game like a man.  I don’t mean that your actions mirror a man or you adopt a masculine demeanor. That didn’t work for me. I learned that my femininity is a gift.  I just had to learn to wield it.  I educated myself about men by reading books written by men, by talking to respected males in my life and by trial-and-error in dating various men.  This is important because many of us women didn’t have fathers that taught us.  By learning about men, I also learned the value of my own femininity.  This is where I found hope. I learned to honor myself – my truest self. Not the insecure me. Not the competitive me. Not the whiny, what’s-wrong-with-me me. But the me that I am when I feel the most alive, the most joyful, the most in tune.

Do you know who that person is? If you don’t, then I have some hope to give you. If you’ll do the work to find out who you are, attracting the right man will take care of itself. By doing the work on yourself, you get to the root of all the “effects” Dr. Ronn describes. You deal with the wounding behind the passivity. You deal with the unresolved grief behind the frustration. You put some past relationships to bed once and for all. Like the butterfly hidden inside the caterpillar, you emerge with a newfound sense of truth and authentic power. When you date standing in your true feminine power, your dating life changes. You don’t sweat the small stuff. You aren’t hypersensitive about things. You don’t attract unavailability because you yourself have become available. You view men with a new appreciation and openness.

To help me, I decided to seek the help of a relationship coach. One of the best darn things I’d ever done. I discovered blind spots I didn’t know I had and replaced them with clarity and confidence. Instead of being primed and pumped for conflict, I learned to welcome a man’s experience without criticizing him.  I let some men go, yes; but it wasn’t angry or irritable.  It was gracious.  It was me.  In short, I became the change I wanted to see.

To sum it all up, I am a witness that you are not limited by anything or anybody. Even if there were only two available men in this world of umpteen thousand women, your odds of beating out your competition is exponential if you are open and willing. Willing to tell yourself the truth. Willing to get out of the house and go where men are. Willing to date multiple men until it’s exclusive (and you have just as much say as he does). Willing to focus inwardly rather than outwardly for approval. Willing to create a brighter future by becoming the change you want to see reflected in the men you date. It might seem like a lot, but trust me when I tell you this. The right man is worth every single lie you have to dispel and every single solution you replace it with.

The advert titled Keep Him Home is based on the assumption Ukrainian women are sexy and promiscuous, therefore Dutch women should keep their husbands at home instead of letting them go to the Euro 2012 football championship in June. The championship will be held in Ukraine and Poland. The clip shows that an internet search “Ukrainian women” brings a load of photos of scantily clad beauties.

Trying it out for yourself, a Google search for ‘Ukrainian women’ comes up with lots of pictures of half-naked women boasting their sex appeal to the hilt.

For fairness’ sake, the same result brings almost any search combining the word ‘women’ and any nationality.

The Foreign Ministry of Ukraine has gone over the top, blaming the Dutch for humiliating human dignity and discrimination on the ground of national origin.

The result of "Ukrainian women" inquiry in Google

“We condemn that sort of advertisement and we will demand the clip to be taken off the air,” promised Ukraine Foreign Ministry’s press secretary Aleksandr Dikusarov.

The Dutch Foreign Ministry has made no comments on the incident so far.

Calling the ad “humiliating and discriminating”, Ukraine’s Ambassador to the Netherlands Oleksandr Horin has already contacted the Dutch Football Federation. The Federation firmly dissociated itself from the clip, saying it was never informed about the clip’s content and called the use of the logo of the Federation in the advert unlawful.

The Dutch Energy Company (Nederlandse Energie Maatschappij) that commissioned the ad is smugly pleased with the results of the advertisement.

“With this commercial, we took ‘celebrity endorsement’ in Dutch commercials to the “next level”. Our company is known for its celebrity campaigns and it seems the new message is also very suitable,” said Pieter Schoen, director of the Dutch Energy Company.

The growing diplomatic scandal now ensures that company’s advertising campaign is getting wider exposure.

The clip is being aired by Dutch TV channels and has been published on Youtube.

Several complaints have been lodged with the Commission of Advertising Ethics of Netherlands.

Netherlands has previously been stigmatized for extreme right wing Party for Freedom’s (Partij voor de vrijheid, PVV) internet website calling on to Dutch citizens to inform on the citizens of other EU states working in Holland, for example Poles, Hungarians and others.

Video still from the Keep Him Home advert

Alimony is not guaranteed

The court looks into the matter and analyzes things before granting alimony. The income of the spouse claiming alimony, his or her financial stability, the spouse raising the kid etc are some of the things considered by the court. If the court finds that the spouse claiming alimony has enough to continue with the same standard of living, then it might dismiss the case.

It is not always the wife who gets the alimony

There is a misconception that it is always the wife who is at the receiving side of alimony. Yes it is most commonly received by a wife. But if it is the husband who needs financial support, then the alimony may be granted to him too. If the wife has been taking care of a husband financially, then after the divorce, it would become her responsibility to provide her husband with alimony.

Longevity of your marriage

Alimony amount is also determined by the number of years the spouses spent together as a married couple. The longer they have lived together, the more is the likelihood of receiving alimony for the spouse, who is in need of financial support.

It depends upon the income of the spouses

The alimony amount is decided based on the income of each spouse. If one spouse makes more money then the other, it is most likely that the court would grant alimony for the spouse in the lower income bracket.

Child support and alimony are different

Many people have a notion that alimony is a part of child support. This is not true. The court may ask a spouse to provide alimony in addition to finance for raising the child. Alimony and child support are different in the eyes of law and entail different procedures. While child support is exclusively for the child or children, alimony is for the spouse.

Alimony and tax

Income tax treats alimony differently for the giver and the receiver. It is treated by tax as taxable income for the spouse receiving it, but to the person paying alimony, it is a deductible item.

Alimony law is different in different states

Every region has a legislation of its own. The state laws and legal procedures change accordingly. The alimony you receive will be based upon the laws of your state. The methods used for the calculation of alimony differ from state to state.

Author Bio

Penny Cooper is an expert associated with Shulman Law Firm which has expert Family Lawyers and Divorce Lawyers providing legal solutions.

Dating after divorce can be daunting. There is plenty of divorce advice out there, but what about after the divorce? It doesn’t seem so easy to jump right back into the dating world. You may not know how long to wait before dating again. You may be ready to get back out there and connect with someone, but it’s been a long time since your last date.

Well, all relationships have to start somewhere, and what better place to start than a first date? Having a successful conversation and connection on a first date can be just as much about the things you don’t say as the things you do. Here is a refresher course on the things you shouldn’t talk about on a first date.

Your ex

Your ex was a large part of your life. Your ex is probably still part of your life now. But your ex ex doesn’t get to be a part of your first date. The future might hold a wonderful relationship for you and your date. Don’t let your ex get in the way of that.

Your terrible job

Talking about your career is a common part of first date conversation and getting to know one another. But try to keep it positive. Your date doesn’t want to hear about how you hate your job, hate your boss, or hate your cubicle – don’t bring that negative energy to what should be a positive evening. A person that loves their life is much more attractive than someone who hates how they spend their days.

Religion and politics

You always hear that you should avoid making small talk about religion and politics. It’s good advice. These topics are big and important to many people, and everyone has a different perspective. Religion and politics will certainly come up in conversation naturally, and that’s fine; if they’re important to your date, learning about their feelings will be great for deciding how well the two of you match. What’s important is that you are careful not to offend your date or disrespect their beliefs.

Money

Money is another one of those topics that you should wait before bringing up. The longer you wait to find out how much your date makes, or vise-versa, the more time you have to form a real connection influenced by less outside factors like salary. Yes, it’s nice to date someone with money, but first make sure you both like each other for who you are.

Complaints

Do you know what they call complaining without offering a solution? It’s called whining. And whining is a turn off.
This goes back to the idea of being positive. Positive thinking is sexy and attractive. The person sitting with you doesn’t need to know how long the lines at your favorite store were last week, or how your friend David has been a jerk lately. Don’t add unappetizing and unhealthy complaints to what could cook up to be a delicious romance.

Death

Death is a dark subject. And bringing it up on date #1 can really drag down a conversation if it’s not handled with grace and maturity. If death comes up naturally, don’t try to hide it from the conversation, but don’t let it dominate the mood, either. When it’s appropriate, move past death to a more positive topic.

Stories your date doesn’t want to hear

Entertaining your date with a story is a great way to give them a snapshot of who you are. But make certain that you’re telling a story your date wants to hear. Before relaying your recent adventure, ask yourself these questions: Is this story about people my date doesn’t know, and will that make the story uninteresting? And will this story make sense to my date, or is it a “you had to be there” story?

The Perfect Conversation

There’s no right answer for what to talk about on a first date. But if you agree with me on the above items, there are at least a handful of things you shouldn’t talk about, or at least topics you should be careful around.

For my money, the best atmosphere, conversation, and connection come from two people being honest and open with each other on a date. It takes many of us a while to get into that type of comfort zone, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. With some luck, you’ll make it to that elusive second date.

Competent Lawyers

Family lawyers can be a source of huge expenditure. The more experienced and competent the lawyers, the higher the cost will be when hiring them. Although it is always a good idea to hire competent family lawyers, make sure that you opt for one that suits your budget and your requirements. Otherwise, you will end up paying a lot of money for an expensive lawyer who does not know how to handle your case.

Minimize disagreements

Your divorce expenditure largely depends on the duration of time it will take for the case to end. If you have serious disagreements with your spouse, the case could go on for a long time. This means that you will have to keep paying your lawyer for this extended period of time. Try to minimize the number of disagreements or conflicts that you have with your spouse during the legal proceedings of the divorce case.

State family law

The family laws of your state will have an enormous effect on your divorce expenditure. If the ruling in your state requires a separation period before the case can be heard by the court, you will have to arrange for an alternative place of residence. The separation period can differ in several states from 6 months to a year. Searching for and maintaining a place of residence for this period can be very expensive. Study the divorce laws of your state to be better prepared for such occurrences.

Nature of divorce

Divorces are of two types – contested and uncontested. If the divorce is contested, this will mean that there are conflicts of either financial or personal or both. This will mean that your case could go on for a long time until the conflicts have been resolved. Uncontested divorces are simpler as many times, a single divorce lawyer can handle the case. This will make a big difference to your expenditure.

Issues

There can several issues in a divorce case that can pose complications. The two common ones are child custody cases and financial settlements. Resolving these issues amicable largely depends on the behavioral nature of the lawyers that are involved in your case. Antagonistic lawyers will try to drag the legal proceedings and conflicts as long as possible because doing so fetch them more money.

Manner of approach

Divorces can be very stressful. But you must remember that maintaining a calm demeanor will help you to take rational decisions throughout the legal proceedings of your case. Being highly emotional will only make the situation worse as it will not help you to resolve the conflicts.

You must be organized in your approach which involves gathering as much information as you can about the divorce laws in your state. Hire a good lawyer and make sure that you are informed of every communication and correspondence regarding your case.

Benita Hisey works for Shulman Law Firm in Toronto. It is giving Toronto Divorce Lawyers and Family Lawyers a knowledge and experience to express themselves.

What is a non-negotiable? I typed in “deal breakers” on Google search and happened upon a website called Couples Company. This is what it said:

“If your beliefs are strong and your faith is a major center of your life, this is referred to as a “non-negotiable”, a value or principle you require in a spouse.

Intrigued, I read more of the article. Aesthetic Intimacy was the name of it. “We recommend having 3-5 non-negotiables (more than five and you are too picky; less and you are too desperate), which anyone you date must have,” it said. Immediately I started pondering my non-negotiables. First, to how many and then to determine whether I fell into the too picky side or the too desperate side.

Physical attraction is very important to me. It is Number One in my non-negotiables. Hey, I may be getting older but I ain’t dead! I believe that if you don’t want a man to kiss you or touch you (or you don’t want to kiss or touch him), you shouldn’t be dating him. He doesn’t have to be an Adonis for that to happen. Physical attraction manifests differently for different people. Sure, I like a handsome man with chiseled features. I also find a man I can laugh with very attractive. He might be just so-so in the looks department but if he is warm and witty, he goes right to the top of the list. Yes, even above Denzel.

To all my Blood-washed, Single, Saved, Touch-not, Taste-not, Handle-not churchgoing folks out there, I got some sage advice. Even if you don’t succumb to it, the gravitational pull of attraction should still be there. Don’t let NOBODY tell you different. Many a lovely and vibrant single woman has ended up with a gay man or an emotionally impotent one because of the belief that sex isn’t important. Sure, faith is a biggie for some; but please exercise caution. Just because a man can quote a few scriptures doesn’t mean he is relationship material. And my male friends out there, Lawd, Lawd, Lawd, I’ve seen many of them go for the “good girl” and aren’t the least bit attracted to her. Trust me, nobody wins when that happens. If a person isn’t enough, you won’t stay faithful to them. You might not cheat with another woman or another man, but you will find whatever, whenever–a job, a family member, a charity and yes, working in the church–not to be around them.

In my article, “The Death of A Marriage: The Belief that Sex Is Optional,” I talk about how damaging a sexless marriage is. Let me add to that, if there is no sexual energy between you and the guy you’re dating, don’t go out with him a second time; and definitely, don’t marry him. It won’t get better. I speak from experience. As Oprah would advise, “listen to the whispers of life before it becomes a shout and then a brick wall falling down on top of you.”

Secondly, he had to be available. I don’t just mean single. Believe me, there is a difference. To me, available means accessible. He’s not guarded. He’s not mean-spirited. He wants a relationship and ain’t just out for sport. He isn’t so enmeshed in work, church or family that he doesn’t have time for a relationship with you. He isn’t nursing a grudge or some deep wounding from a previous relationship. Trust me, if he’s mad at his momma or has a contentious relationship with a baby-mama, it will spoil any efforts to build something satisfying with him.

He had to be motivated. That was another non-negotiable. He had to be someone who wanted to get out and do things with me. Emphasis on the with me. I’m all for a man doing something with his life. I have no problem with him getting together with his friends.  Makes time with him interesting and makes for a well-rounded partnering. However, if his motivation wanes the longer you date, he’s telling you that his motivation was all about the goal of having you. He is not the type of man who will be attentive to you or to the relationship in the long term. A common thread that runs through most relationship books is the fact that men are recreational. In fact, some say that’s how they bond. That’s why it is important that you date someone you have something in common with recreationally.

No hidden agendas. Okay, that’s number three.  I wanted someone who wanted me for me–not someone looking for a business partner, a stepmother for his kids, a trophy, a playmate or a possession: someone who was up front about his intentions and demonstrated his integrity by his actions. One of the most crazy-making things a man can do is to say one thing and do another. This confuses the heck out of us women. That’s why most folks advise you to run–don’t walk, don’t collect 250 dollars—when a man (or woman, for that matter) sends you mixed signals. It’ll make you hold on to someone who is not worth your time because you are trying to make sense out of…well…nonsense.

And now a word from our sponsor:

If a man asks for your phone number but doesn’t call you, it doesn’t mean he lost your number. Please don’t call him. Take the subtle (or not-so-subtle) hint that he’s not interested enough in you. Say this with me, with attitude, “if he’s not interested in me (pause for effect), then why should I be interested in him.” Now, here’s the thing that confuses many of my sistah-friends: what if he decides to call you a couple of weeks, a month or a year later? Means he’s interested, right? WRONG. Nine times out of 10, it only means that he’s bored or between relationships or horny and calls you as a meantime remedy. Please don’t read more into it.

A serious serious non-negotiable is abuse. Physical abuse is a no-brainer but I place just as much emphasis on the subtler kinds: put-downs, him acting like I’m not all that, negative generalities about women and disregard for your feelings. Some people don’t think of neglect as abuse but it is. It’s indifference for what a person needs to thrive in the relationship. It shows itself when a person withholds from you or gives you the silent treatment. All of these are very manipulative and self-seeking behaviors. Oftentimes, it makes you feel like you aren’t valued or free to be who you are. That, my friends, is abuse. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you like that.

Number five and the last non-negotiable (at least for this article) he couldn’t be possessive. I do need to clarify that having a sense of belonging is a basic human need, so I’m not talking about that. A woman likes for her man to claim her as his. What I am talking about is the imprisoning effects of possessiveness. For example, I needed to feel free to have friends and associates outside of the relationship. I needed freedom to be my own person without him feeling insecure or threatened. You see, I am a very gregarious person. I am a huggy, touchy, feely type. Some men don’t like that. I understand why. Many times, they’ve seen their dates flirt with other men while on a date with them. Understand, my touchy feely-ness was purely platonic. I didn’t cross the lines. It wasn’t something that only happened when I was around the opposite sex.  I was warm and affectionate with family and my girlfriends too.  Important to this, my date (who later became my man) was just as much a recipient of my affectionate nature and I treated him with consideration and kindness no matter who I was around. That’s the difference.

His non-negotiables? My experience is that guys who are serious and not just out for play-play will tell you up front what is important to them. They won’t shuck and jive you. They’ll tell you they have joint-custody of their children and they have them every other weekend. They’ll tell you if they travel a lot for their job. They’ll tell you their intentions and what they are looking for. In fact, I learned a very valuable lesson. I learned to allow a man to reveal himself to me instead of my going into too much detail about what kind of man I was looking for. My male cousin once warned me that a player will act the part just to have you; so you have to be a savvy dater in not revealing too much too soon. “Give it time and he’ll show you who he really is,” he advised. “A good man won’t be evasive but will answer your questions readily.”

If you have any questions not addressed in this article, please feel free to contact me at 50timesawriter@gmail.com. I welcome your opinions and perspective.

Les Kirchner, a leading family lawyer stated that there is a huge supply of family law cases but the supply of lawyers fall short. Stating himself as an example, he mentioned that if lawyers keep taking on innumerable cases, they won’t be able to give them their best. He believes that most young lawyers are staying away from family law because it is hard on them emotionally. The complex nature of family law forces lawyers in the field to be lawyers and psychologists at the same time.

Family lawyers are expected to listen to the problems of their clients, which is an essential part of client management. Most cases involve issues like divorce and situations where their life is being turned upside down and the end up confiding in their lawyer. This emotional involvement affects a lot of lawyers, which makes them steer clear of these cases.

According to Allan Fineblit, the CEO of the Law Society of Manotoba, not all lawyers are abandoning family law, it just that a lot of them are realizing that traditional family dispute resolution is not always effective. The focus is now moving to collaborative law, unlike traditional family law this practice solves cases in a mediated manner. This new solution is more cost effective, faster and also pleases both parties. He stated that the courts are considering some new models that will improve and speed up its services in regard to family aid.

Hilary Linton, a teacher at the University of Western Ontario in London and York University in Toronto, and also a Toronto based lawyer stated that this year saw a rise in the number of students interested in family law as opposed to the falling numbers over the past few decades. She thinks that family laws are the most experimental and a lot of new models are being played with like mediation, arbitration and collaborative law to name a few.

Change in the market

Because of the vast amounts of information available on the internet and tools like do-it-yourself kits, clients are much more informed and sophisticated regarding their rights. To cater to these clients, there are whole new types of professionals who are now trained to handle family law matters. According to Linton, the new batches of lawyers understand the unlimited needs of the clients and are ready to provide such services.

Young lawyers are keener on negotiation, mediation and non-adversarial means of solving disputes. The way these lawyers handle their finances are also different, which helps it better suit client expectations. They are ready to take on more risks and generally have a more flexible approach overall. With the changes in family laws becoming more frequent, client expectations are also changing and the new generations of lawyers need to be willing to handle the field differently.

Benita Hisey works for Shulman Law Firm in Toronto. It is giving Toronto Divorce Lawyers and Family Lawyers a knowledge and experience to express themselves.

“Herb is great. He’s divorced. Successful and a successful lawyer,” India Berman assures me on the phone. “So go. It’s time for romance.”

“Divorced men are on the lookout for younger women,” I say. ‘‘Widowed men want you to sleep in their dead wife’s bed.”

“So go. He’s a great date,” India insists.

Anyway, I ponder if dating is harder as a widow or a divorcee?
Friday evening, Herb arrives. He’s one of those men who is ageless — fit, with short-cropped silver hair, suspicious hazel eyes. He looks like Tony Bennett. We get into his silver Mercedes that smells like new leather and from the radio Frank Sinatra sings “My Funny Valentine.” Through the side mirror, I notice Herb checking me out. He wears a cool black pinstripe suit, his blown out hair puffed up.

“India says you’re — 64?” he says after a while, changing lanes.

“Actually, I just turned 70. India lied.”

“Most women lie about their age,” he says with an irritated sigh. “How long have you been widowed?”

“I’m divorced,” I reply.

“India said that you’re a widow,” he peevishly says.

“India lied again. Guess she thinks that ‘widowed’ sounds better than ‘divorced.’ “

“Did you divorce him?” he asks in an imperious tone.

“No, he left. It was years ago.”

“My ex wanted the divorce,” he says, sighing.

Then he gets all sad sack. For sure he’s one of those I-love-my-ex-wife men, I think. So I change the subject and ask questions about his career. He’s a prosecutor, he informs me.

“I don’t believe in incarceration,” I say. “Poor kids thrown in the pen for drug charges and given life and turn into hardened criminals. Awful.”

“What do you want!” he shouts, jerking the car to a stop in front of the restaurant. “You want them running the streets and robbing and raping? You sound like a goddamn hippie!”

A waiter leads us down steep stairs, past photographs of movie stars and famous politicians, to a booth. Maybe a drink will loosen up his sudden solemnity, I think. We order martinis and immediately, the martini relaxes me and I order another one.

We make small talk — how many years divorced, kids, the good snow for ski season, political gossip, stuff like that. Then he pops vitamin pills.

“Doc can’t believe what good health I’m in,” he says, as if to no one, rapping his knuckles on the top of the table. “I look in the mirror and I say, ‘Herb. You’re a young buck.’ To hell with Viagra. It’s Viagra Falls for me.”

“The raviolis are great,” I say, trying not to stuff my face.

“My ex-wife and I eat here often.”

“So you and your ex are friends?” I ask.

He shrugs.

“My ex-wife would only have sex with me on Tuesday nights, the night before her hair extensions were changed.”

“What does she do?” I ask, after a grim silence.

“Lives off me. And plays golf.” He pauses. “She’s young —”

He shows me a picture of her. She’s blonde with hair extensions, fake boobs and an injected face.

“She looks like one of the housewives of Orange County,” I say, thinking he’s a bad boy boomer.

“I prefer dating widows,” he continues, on his second martini. ”They have money and aren’t so needy. Divorced older women want my money.”

‘‘Well, in this society, the only way some newly divorced or widowed women 60-plus can make money is to inherit, or fall in Safeway,” I say.

He glances at his watch. “I have an early morning tennis game. So I should get going.”

“Sure. Uh huh.” I ponder: If he was widowed, would he be different? More open for a relationship, or just the garden-variety jerk?

After dinner, we walk toward his car. He carries his leftover swordfish in a Styrofoam box. The moon forms a dim light in the sky. He has to get up early. He has a tennis game at 6.

In the car, he pops in three Tum’s tablets. He drives into the night.

Barbara Rose Brooker of San Francisco is the author of “The Viagra Diaries,” which has been optioned to HBO for a series starring Goldie Hawn. Her new novel, “Love, Sometimes,” is slated to be published in 2012. She can be reached at barbarrose@aol.com.