Is your energy holding you back from love?

Can you believe this was the subject of one of the emails in my mailbox? I was in the process of deleting some Brand-X ones cluttering my inbox but this one caught my attention.

Dear Friend,
Have you ever wondered if your “energy” was holding
you back from attracting love?
According to our friend, energy expert Christie Sheldon,
your vibrations influence the quality of people and
relationships you’ll attract into your life.

As I read more, I became aware that this Christie person was talking about energy work. Not quite the direction I wanted to explore. Just the same, I couldn’t escape the gravity of that question. What’s different about the Suzette now dating a wonderful man versus the Suzette then? The one who was the poster child for attracting unavailable men. Hummmm, let me ponder this for a sec.

When I consider the energy I had right before I met my now-boyfriend, one thing comes to mind almost immediately. I didn’t leave it to chance. I know, I know, most relationship books tell you to get busy. To fill your life with the things you enjoy other than the opposite sex. They tell you to focus on yourself and by doing so, you’ll attract Mr. Right. Weeeeell, that might work for some folks—and I did do all those things–but it still didn’t stop the ache in my heart.

Whereas I normally would have tried just one more way to avoid my true feelings, I listened to my heart. I stopped turning a deaf ear to the whisper in my ear when I came home to an empty apartment or after watching a love story or when lying in bed starring out into the darkness. “I want a man in my life.” Up until this point, I’d say it but put my efforts into adopting the happy single woman lifestyle. My son was now in college. It was time to do all the things I couldn’t do as a single parent. Jump starting my life with www.meetup.com, I did some fun things and met some great people. It was all good except it wasn’t enough.

I remember grieving yet another false-start to the tune of a nine-month relationship. “I don’t want to feel lonely and desperate again,” my heart cried. I knew what the statistics said about dating over 40. I was now 51! I also knew that things looked even more grim if you were an African American woman in her 50’s. Still, the idea of growing old alone was unfathomable. I just couldn’t go out like that. An aging woman with a house full of cats! No, not me. I decided to stop the disparity between my lifestyle and my longing. No more psyching myself up. No more rationalizing. No more trying to live up to the 21^st century single woman ideal.

The next thing I remember doing was detoxing. I think that’s a good way of putting it. I’m sure Christie would say that my energy pulse was low because I had come out of a previous relationship. She’d probably be right. In my mind at the time, I knew I had to work through some things. Shed some baggage that was no longer serving a purpose in my life. Determined to make some changes, I sought a therapist. It’s not that I was a basket case. Not at all. I just knew that I had to focus on reclaiming my best self. Part of that was to get the smell of relationships-past out of my skin. And too, I had a hair-trigger temper that I didn’t like about myself.

Seeking a therapist was one of the best things I’d ever done. At my first session, she gave me a handout entitled, “Anger Distortions.” Anger distortions are our intense reactions over what we hear, see, think. I’ve often heard them referred to as triggers. I called mine landmines. Something hidden just underneath the ground. You’re walking along, minding your own business, then you unknowingly or unsuspectingly step on one. KABLAMMMM. Such was my emotional trigger.

If I felt a man was being condescending, if he told me he would do something and didn’t, or if I felt he was playing me, KABLAMMMM. Now here’s the thing. It was merely a perception. I had to learn that just because I perceived it that way didn’t mean it was that way. It was a mistrust created by some disappointment in my life that left a wound that never healed. With some relationship coaching, working through those anger distortions changed the way I saw things. It changed how I saw people, especially men. And it changed how I saw myself.

Now that I had let go of some emotional weights, I knew I couldn’t remain on the sidelines. I had to get back in the game. I dusted off my little black book aka my favored online dating site. Next, I updated my profile, keeping in mind Dr. Michelle Callahan’s advice in her book, MS. TYPED to bring my real self to dating: not the mistrusting shadow of me, but the happy, genuine me. (Sidebar: I strongly recommend you read her book. It changed my approach to dating for the better.)

Finding Mr. Right wasn’t immediate. I had to date a few might be’s, wannabes, and possiblys. In fact, I threw back my diamond. You see, I had read that if a man didn’t call you back within 48 hours of going out with you, he “just wasn’t that into you.” Sound familiar? Well, my diamond didn’t read that book. He read if you don’t give her space, she’ll feel you are desperate and it’ll turn her off. So you can imagine how that went. I chuckle when I think about it. Anyway, my point here is context. Most of us don’t take relationship advice in context. And my next point, Thank God I had the good sense to admit–to him–that I had made a mistake.

Well, that’s my energetic recount. I’m not saying everyone is like me, so I won’t assume that you aren’t happy being single. All I’m saying is that sometimes we dress, talk like, adopt a lifestyle that says “do not disturb” when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, you’re reading this article. If you are ready to do the work, then boldly step in front of that 360 degree mirror and look at yourself from all angles. There’s only one thing worst than being lonely. Doing nothing about it.