My First Date… Why Pain and Suffering?

Written by Dmytro Blackbird

Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!
(From the film When Harry Met Sally)

Why first date might be emotionally painful experience

First date is not just an exciting travel but a lot of inner stress. Sometimes it works more like a torment. It could be harmful and make your mind suffer. Why? Psychologists provide several answers we are going to analyze in this essay.

Your first date… You have to be in touch with a new person-and his or her individuality, experience, and lifestyle. Some likes oranges, and some prefer meat…; and you only need to be loved. Just imagine: you’ve been living for a while in a comfortable apartment and then, one day you are supposed to change your place. You see an absolute new dimension, new furniture, old-fashioned style of the wallpapers, and another atmosphere from previous people. You have to become adjusted to new circumstances. But for this reason, you need to change your mind first. Only after this you can remodel this new place to adapt to your individuality.

First dating is the same. What to say on a first date is that a big psychological problem. You are like a key and you need to unlock the heart of another person. The problem is that from the first look you may feel anxiety, the unwillingness to be adjusted to new way of life. You need to hear his or her story, smile, and say ‘Yes, really amazing! How awe-inspiring!’ You must nod your head and agree with what your partner is saying. This makes your soul suffer. Our individuality (self) is not an empty new bag that can absorb something new. So when you change your mind and share your ideas, you change the size of your bag. And this is painful sometimes. Your first date is like a marathon.

The second reason is that you do not know what to do on a first date, as you do not know the individuality of your partner. Everyone has his or her personality. You cannot visit the opera wearing jeans. Of course, I know that someone might say, ‘Really?’
First dating becomes like a nightmare as you know that some of your friends and relatives have already experienced the negative afterglow from a similar event in the past. Of course, each person has fears and sorrows, as there is no ideal one in our world. Dating may make you feel naked with your subtle psychic problems that for many years have been just your own. Not to convert dating into the catastrophe, you must be confident in your actions and thoughts. Say ‘I am the best’ and believe yourself (mental therapy is OK this time). On the other hand, try to be sensitive and attentive to your new partner, who has, for sure, the same problems as you.
Let’s describe the most common fears may that lead to disaster.

‘I am not attractive anymore.’ This makes you feel unconfident. You do not believe in your natural beauty and in the magic of your appearance or smile. Just believe, when you smile, you always radiate energy that attracts people. Just smile and this will make you believe in your fire.
‘I am not capable of loving.’ All people are born in love. Love is essential matter in this world. So your mind and soul are structured to love. Do not panic if you had a negative experience in the past. All wounds can be recovered. And love comes after this.
‘I am too old.’ This happens. We all become older when time comes. But love can appear in every age. Older people are like good wine and old friends (remember Burns’ poem!).
‘I do not know how to do this dating thing.’ Nobody knows in fact. First dating is an uncontrolled process and you cannot mold it. First dating initiates new energy in your life. Just respond to these impulses and do not try to control dating in a rational way. Love is beyond mind.
‘I have no time.’ We live in a great haste. We never have time to stop for a while and make a new change. Hurry, hurry, and hurry is a good motto for our times. But if you want to share your life and find a partner who will be your friend, just say stop, postpone this haste and aridity. First dating is much more important than time spent in haste.
‘My job is too demanding.’ Family life absorbs all our time. But your first date will help you to understand whether you are ready for serious relations with your partner or to even think about starting a family life and especially to have children. Family is also very demanding. Dating is just the first step. If you want to spend you final days in the loneliness, then work, work, and work!  But life demands love and family, and atmosphere of harmony and understanding, and not only hours spent in from of the monitor up to the noon in your office.
‘I have trouble meeting people.’ New face is a new experience. And a new experience can result in a new problem. Do not panic in this case. Each day you meet people in the supermarket or public transport. Yes, this meeting is like a glance. But you do not have to panic because if you feel any interest from the opposite side on your date, then dating will become a feast with lots of fun and enigmatic transformations. And oppositions are neglected in one unity.
‘I never trust anyone.’ These days it is really too difficult to find someone whom you can trust. We live in a cynic and unfair world. The media showers us with hundreds of stories about corruptions and violence. How can you trust? Pay attention that a human being is a social being. We need someone to rely on, we need people around us. Love will open your heart automatically. Someone else could help you to release your stress and pain. Fear of loss is always greater than the desire for gain. Remember this phrase when you are about to turn and head the other way.  If you don’t ask for the date, it will never happen. In short, when you do not ask, you are telling yourself NO.
Our fears come from negative emotions. Dating must be the first step to paradise. As you like it…

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