Emotional Availability: Gratitude Instead of Attitude

Don’t get digusted but some of my greatest reading happens while on the toilet. I’ve been bouncing around the notion of emotional unavailability for a couple of days now. Although most books and articles you read on the matter have merit, I’m discovering the information needs to be weighed carefully before you label someone.

I am into self-help books. Have been since my first aha moment came while reading a book lying idly on my sister’s bed: Love Is A Choice. I couldn’t figure out why I was stuck emotionally in a relationship that was long over. This book got me unstuck. I digress. Back to my epiphany while sitting on the Great White Throne.

I picked up one of my books, Relationship Rescue, and, honest-to-goodness, there was a business card I had used as a bookmark on page 155. My eyes went automatically to the section called Emotional Needs but right above it, these words jumped out:

A note about emotional needs: this is a broad category that deals with how you need to feel. How you need to feel is up to you, not your partner. Your partner cannot make you feel the way you feel, but your partner can help you achieve your desired feelings by becoming aware of what they are and sensitive to the fact that they are important to you. At this point, don’t worry about how you expect your partner to respond to these needs. Identify them so that you can communicate them.
WOW! Just about blew me off the throne! Unknown to but a friend or two – okay, maybe a dozen – I have been struggling with my emotional needs.

While browsing various articles online, I came across this statement: If you keep attracting men who are unavailable, then something inside of you is unavailable (I paraphrase). How profound! In the words of my friend, Pam, “Good God-A-Mighty!” As I sit here pondering that answer to a post on Answer.com, I realize that when I was unattached, I met my own emotional needs. I wasn’t starved for attention. I paid attention. I wasn’t starved for connection. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who were available to dish, to go places, to give warm hugs and interact with me. When I longed for spiritual connection, I found ways to reconnect with my inner core. When I needed pampering, I’d consult my Musiq Soulchild playlist and soak in an aromatic bath. What happened to me? Like many people, when I met that special someone, I made him responsible for my feelings. One could argue that by doing so, I became unavailable for me… and for him.

How many good men or women get thrown away because they don’t do what we want, when we want and how we want? How many people have we abandoned? How many people have been spooked by our neediness?! If they meet our needs, we feel good. We might even say we’re falling in love or have found our soulmate. If they don’t, we diss-and-dismiss. We shrug it off as incompatibility or…well….unavailability.

When you realize your own power or your Higher Power’s ability to meet your needs, there’s a grace that settles over you. You don’t hold your partner at gunpoint. And you don’t just throw people away haphazardly. You have a sense of joy that radiates from within. You have a concern about the health and well-being of others. It makes people feel comfortable being around you. You appreciate what they add to your life. Ummm, gratitude instead of attitude.

I don’t say this as one who has attained. Not. At. All. I struggle like the next person. Just ask my friends. My girlfriends who feel with me. My male friends who reason with me. And my wonderful guy who is happy just to have me in his life – emotional and all. Priceless!

About Men: A Defensive Man Can’t Love

black man wearing glasses in white shirt and tie with a grima?e on face

It wasn't obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first.. So what do you mean when you say "defensive?"

It wasn’t obvious that he was defensive, at least not at first. He was fun to talk with. We’d spend hours on the phone and not even be aware of how much time had passed. He was so attentive and excited about me. We shared many of the same views and experiences in life. And if we differed, it disappeared in the fog of our romance. But after a while and bye-and-bye, the fog began to lift.

So what do you mean when you say “defensive?” I think most of us recognize the blaring signs: he is easily upset or overly critical right off the bat. Sometimes defensiveness is more subtle though. It can simply be that his interaction with you is underwhelming, guarded or confusing.

Here is my short list of do-not-ignore signs:

  • He doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother or he makes you feel lacking in comparison. Sure, a man should regard what his mother says and treat her with respect and love; but if he can’t attach to you because he is overly attached to her; then there is a problem.
  • He pushes for you to look or behave a certain way. For example, you might prefer your hair short and sassy, but he insists that you grow it long. In fact, he schedules you an appointment with his cousin who does weaves and shows you a picture of how he wants it to look.  That might sound extreme but, believe me, there are some men out there who can’t love you unless you fit their ideal.
  • He refers to women with mistrust. You get the feeling that outside of attraction and sex, he doesn’t have a favorable view of womanhood. It’s as if he’s nursing a grudge from a past offense and despite how loving and attentive you are to his needs, your efforts are overshadowed by some phantom from the past. He may even withhold attention or affection, referencing some erroneous belief that to give you those things would enable you to hurt him in some way.
  • He is quick to go on the attack or on the defense. Blaming and shaming is his response when you share your feelings or an observation of him. “You are too emotional,” he might say.  Or he gets bent out of shape easily.  My all time favorite? Tit for tat.  You point out something that he’s doing that bothers you and he deflects by pointing out what you do that bothers him.
  • He may threaten to leave you, distance himself in some way from you or make it difficult for you to get back in his good graces. He can be punitive in his disposition or can have a cavalier attitude.  Most insidious in my opinion is the silent treatment.  Say, you’ve apologized but he is still emotionally removed from you.  To me, that’s very controlling and is a telling sign of how he deals with conflict.  Sidebar:  when he asks you what’s wrong, don’t say “nothing” when you know good and well that mad is written all over your face.  It’s just as wrong when you do it as when he does it.
  • He hates another person just because of their race or culture. Admittedly, we all have dislikes and preferences but a bigot takes dislike or preference to a harmful and dehumanizing level. I believe this. If you have ever been oppressed by a people or a culture, it is just as wrong for you to become the oppressor when you are in a position of power.

I must interject here that figuring out if your date or your man is defensive isn’t always immediate. Neither is it an exact science. There are aspects of maleness that are just…..well…how he is wired.

For instance, men love attention. I’ve been told that the best first date icebreaker is asking a man about himself. Men LOVE to talk about themselves. Here’s a good litmus test. If every time you are with him you feel like he is more interested in talking about himself and his needs than being interested in yours then you need to take note.   If his is the only reflection he sees in his mirror, then he can’t see you.  And if he can’t see you, he darn sure can’t date you.

Another aspect of maleness is how he responds to stress. Men process things internally first. Women tend to process things externally by talking about them. Please don’t assume that he is defensive just because he prefers not to engage in exhaustive communication about a problem or a difficulty with you. He only wants to know one thing — how to solve it. As long as he handles your feelings well, you just have to accept that about him.

A man may be public with affection but he’s normally more private with his emotions. That’s just how most men are.  So if he’s not gushing about how his friend broke his toy when he was little during the beginning stages of dating, don’t penalize him. If, however, you’ve been dating for a while and he is persistently secretive, guarded or detached, then that’s something you must not ignore.

One final piece of advice.  If you have found a good man, a loving man, then handle him with care. Even a good man who adores you can become defensive if mishandled. Listen very very closely. If your man decides to share his soft underbelly with you, you must never EVER throw it back up in his face or dismiss it like it’s a small thing. Even if you are mad as fire at something he’s done or said and feel that you won’t ever get over it, tell him you need some time to process it.  Yes, even grown folks need to put themselves in time-out sometimes.  In an episode of Ice Loves Coco, Ice T said something that caught my attention.  “You have to realize that a disagreement isn’t all-out war. It’s just a difference.”  Differences can be negotiated.  Character flaws cannot.

Fog is part of the euphoria of romance. It can’t be avoided. Given time, the fog lifts and you see the person for who they are.  Steve Harvey suggests waiting until at least 90 days before having sex for that very reason.  I’ve also read books by Dr. Phil and Ronn Elmore.  I can’t remember if they concur with the time frame but I do know they agree that it takes time to really know a man.  Regardless, there’s one thing I know for sure.  Time with you will not fix what’s broken.  I feel like I need to say it again.  Time with you will not fix what’s broken.  We somehow think that a man will change if given more time.  A leopard is a leopard and will continue to be a leopard no matter how much time you give it.  Likewise, if a man’s a critic at the beginning of the relationship, he’ll be a bigger critic the same time next year.

Is your energy holding you back from love?

Can you believe this was the subject of one of the emails in my mailbox? I was in the process of deleting some Brand-X ones cluttering my inbox but this one caught my attention.

black girl ironically smiling supporting her head with a handDear Friend,
Have you ever wondered if your “energy” was holding
you back from attracting love?
According to our friend, energy expert Christie Sheldon,
your vibrations influence the quality of people and
relationships you’ll attract into your life.

As I read more, I became aware that this Christie person was talking about energy work. Not quite the direction I wanted to explore. Just the same, I couldn’t escape the gravity of that question. What’s different about the Suzette now dating a wonderful man versus the Suzette then? The one who was the poster child for attracting unavailable men. Hummmm, let me ponder this for a sec.

When I consider the energy I had right before I met my now-boyfriend, one thing comes to mind almost immediately. I didn’t leave it to chance. I know, I know, most relationship books tell you to get busy. To fill your life with the things you enjoy other than the opposite sex. They tell you to focus on yourself and by doing so, you’ll attract Mr. Right. Weeeeell, that might work for some folks—and I did do all those things–but it still didn’t stop the ache in my heart.

Whereas I normally would have tried just one more way to avoid my true feelings, I listened to my heart. I stopped turning a deaf ear to the whisper in my ear when I came home to an empty apartment or after watching a love story or when lying in bed starring out into the darkness. “I want a man in my life.” Up until this point, I’d say it but put my efforts into adopting the happy single woman lifestyle. My son was now in college. It was time to do all the things I couldn’t do as a single parent. Jump starting my life with www.meetup.com, I did some fun things and met some great people. It was all good except it wasn’t enough.

I remember grieving yet another false-start to the tune of a nine-month relationship. “I don’t want to feel lonely and desperate again,” my heart cried. I knew what the statistics said about dating over 40. I was now 51! I also knew that things looked even more grim if you were an African American woman in her 50’s. Still, the idea of growing old alone was unfathomable. I just couldn’t go out like that. An aging woman with a house full of cats! No, not me. I decided to stop the disparity between my lifestyle and my longing. No more psyching myself up. No more rationalizing. No more trying to live up to the 21st century single woman ideal.

The next thing I remember doing was detoxing. I think that’s a good way of putting it. I’m sure Christie would say that my energy pulse was low because I had come out of a previous relationship. She’d probably be right. In my mind at the time, I knew I had to work through some things. Shed some baggage that was no longer serving a purpose in my life. Determined to make some changes, I sought a therapist. It’s not that I was a basket case. Not at all. I just knew that I had to focus on reclaiming my best self. Part of that was to get the smell of relationships-past out of my skin. And too, I had a hair-trigger temper that I didn’t like about myself.

Seeking a therapist was one of the best things I’d ever done. At my first session, she gave me a handout entitled, “Anger Distortions.” Anger distortions are our intense reactions over what we hear, see, think. I’ve often heard them referred to as triggers. I called mine landmines. Something hidden just underneath the ground. You’re walking along, minding your own business, then you unknowingly or unsuspectingly step on one. KABLAMMMM. Such was my emotional trigger.

If I felt a man was being condescending, if he told me he would do something and didn’t, or if I felt he was playing me, KABLAMMMM. Now here’s the thing. It was merely a perception. I had to learn that just because I perceived it that way didn’t mean it was that way. It was a mistrust created by some disappointment in my life that left a wound that never healed. With some relationship coaching, working through those anger distortions changed the way I saw things. It changed how I saw people, especially men. And it changed how I saw myself.

Now that I had let go of some emotional weights, I knew I couldn’t remain on the sidelines. I had to get back in the game. I dusted off my little black book aka my favored online dating site. Next, I updated my profile, keeping in mind Dr. Michelle Callahan’s advice in her book, MS. TYPED to bring my real self to dating: not the mistrusting shadow of me, but the happy, genuine me. (Sidebar: I strongly recommend you read her book. It changed my approach to dating for the better.)

Finding Mr. Right wasn’t immediate. I had to date a few might be’s, wannabes, and possiblys. In fact, I threw back my diamond. You see, I had read that if a man didn’t call you back within 48 hours of going out with you, he “just wasn’t that into you.” Sound familiar? Well, my diamond didn’t read that book. He read if you don’t give her space, she’ll feel you are desperate and it’ll turn her off. So you can imagine how that went. I chuckle when I think about it. Anyway, my point here is context. Most of us don’t take relationship advice in context. And my next point, Thank God I had the good sense to admit–to him–that I had made a mistake.

Well, that’s my energetic recount. I’m not saying everyone is like me, so I won’t assume that you aren’t happy being single. All I’m saying is that sometimes we dress, talk like, adopt a lifestyle that says “do not disturb” when that couldn’t be further from the truth. Besides, you’re reading this article. If you are ready to do the work, then boldly step in front of that 360 degree mirror and look at yourself from all angles. There’s only one thing worst than being lonely. Doing nothing about it.

Men Flirting or Cheating?

Author: Dmytro Blackbird

Flirting Means Cheating? Dating Tips for Guys.

men cheating in realtionships with one partnerWe know that not only women but men do also flirt and men love flirting. Sometimes, flirting is not just a step to dating and family life. It can be like a psychological and social relaxation. Flirting gives men enough power and strength to be proud of themselves. Men love comfort, vine, and women. Even in the XXI Century, we see so many various ads that demonstrate and represent women as accessories and men’s fashionable surroundings. Of course, to some extend women also agree for this game. And, in this way, flirting can be a source of disasters and cheating in further communications and relations between men and women.

Dating as just approaching women is like a virus that sits in men’s heads. Some sort of men does not expect any constant and permanent relations and obligations—free life becomes like a social satisfaction after overloaded working time in the office. So, why is it bad to spend the rest of the evening or night in the company of lovely and charming girls ready for free sympathizing? Hence, what’s this slice difference between flirting and cheating? As the psychologists say, there is a great deal of difference between flirting and cheating, although the two actions share surface similarities. However, when do dating tips for guys lead to unfaithful behavior? Besides, what constitutes cheating is a very personal decision.
E.g.: If you don’t want your partner’s body touching someone else’s body in an intimate way, you better state up front that this is a no-no with you. If you don’t want to see your partner flirting and/or don’t want to hear about it, tell them that is what you want. Really making connections with people of the opposite sex can create problems in a marriage or relationship. Becoming emotionally involved with someone you find sexually attractive can and often does lead to a sexual affair and full blown relationships.
Real relations between sexes are (or should be) based on love mean understanding and cooperation with your partner. Cheating flirting can play a negative role in a situation when you have your partner but you do something wrong in your personal life. Being honest and relying on you partner are extremely important features of the happy date and marriage. Flirting helps in approaching women, but we must remember that flirting tips for guys one day must be converted into dating tips for guys and happy family life in the end.

What are the worst strategic mistakes men can make in flirting when innocent flirting tips can be interpreted as cheating?
First of all, do not have any important conversations if either you or your partner is intoxicated or tired unless you absolutely must. Be patient and attentive to your spouse or spouse-to-be. Stay in the atmosphere of love and harmony when you speak with your friends or colleagues. Your partner must be sure that she is not isolated in or frustrated by your talks. Hence, there is a very simple rule: don’t flirt with people you work with, as this can cause problems in the work place. Don’t flirt with your partner’s friends or family. Don’t flirt with your friends. Demonstrate your guy’s dating tips with your beloved partner.
flirting tips for guysIf your partner experiences difficulties with sharing try to share some of your own confidence with them by ensuring that you are there for them. Sharing is an important skill in family life. Share your thoughts with the closet persons and not with your lovely girlfriends/ colleagues of the opposite sex. What is more, encourage your partner to share with you and trust that you will try to be understanding about what they have to say. The important factor here is to keep communicating with the person you care for and make sure they too are sharing how they feel. In a conversation, be polite with your partner and very attentive to her eye contacts and smiling. It seems to be that these signs five you even more information. Be sure that flirting is a real cheating on your partner when your body language goes beyond innocent winks, smiles, and teasing. Dating tips for guys must demonstrate real love intention and not just cheating.
Or else your partner can be a victim of the cheating from your side. Nowadays we can read so many comments and messages in the blogs as this one: My partner flirts with a lot of girls online and it hurts like a knife going through my chest!! It makes me feel so ugly and unwanted… I mean why would men do this to us women if they live with us?!! If they no longer want to be with us why are they not honest about it and speak out the truth?! I say it’s cheating and hurtful… Do you want to make your partner unwanted? Do you want to be proud of your online dating tips? Do you find online flirting seductive and successful? Or can you change the roles and positions. How would you feel if your girlfriend was flirting, checking out, or bragging about another guy in front of your face? Of course you would feel jealous, unless you both are swingers. But if you aren’t swingers than it will hurt and you will feel jealous.

Something, as the experts suggest, it is seriously wrong with the relationship if you can’t focus on just your lover.
Unfortunately, our contemporary life makes us behave in the inadequate way being in flirting. I mean catching advertisements that say, ‘Flirt, and She is just an instrument or and object of flirting to be yourself!’ On a road, we can see so many boards with such texting: ‘Make Them Want YOU!’, or ‘Find the love and attention you desire!’, or ‘Sexy Singles, Hot Dates, More Fun!’, or finally ‘Find a real date tonight!’ Life is easy. So take flirting easy if you are a man. All these ads seem to demonstrate the politics of sexism which is very poisonous. These ads make men think that there is no difference between flirting and cheating. So you can be faithful and truthful even accepting this behavior because this life is structured to be so.
The classic definition of cheating can be described as this one: flirting with the intention of something more falls into the classification of cheating. Flirting oriented to approaching women is a good example of cheating. Maybe you often have long lunches or extended drinks after work with colleagues of the opposite sex—and you don’t often talk just about business. Be sure that this is cheating rather harmful for your colleagues and your partner of course. When you discuss your work problems thoroughly at work with colleagues of the opposite sex, leaving nothing to talk about with your spouse, you also cheat. Why do you need a partner and a family if everything can be discussed just with you female colleagues? Or do you think it is easy to accept your upon-working talks for your partner who is waiting for you at home? Cheating takes place when you share jokes and gossip with friends or colleagues of the opposite sex, not with your partner. Finally, when you spend as much time buying the right gift for a friend or colleague of the opposite sex as you do for your spouse, you are also involved in cheating. All of these tips for guys demonstrate your inadequate manner in the family life.

So always try to change the positions and see whether your behavior is OK or wrong from the distance. And to conclude, if you are in a committed relationship, then you just need to understand your partner. Are they flirty by nature? Some guys can really be friendly with all of their friends, and in some eyes that could be considered as flirting. In this case, if your partner knows that about your personality, so it’s fine and does not mean cheating.

He Left – How Can I Get Him to Come Back? 5 Proven Ways

how to win back a manFor men, their attitude toward life can sometimes be very hot or cold, yes or no. They sometimes have trouble seeing the in-between of things. This can be true of their romantic relationships. Whether it’s a marriage or a long-term boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, a guy can go along as if everything is fine. And then – boom – it is as if somebody flipped a switch. Suddenly, he cools off for no apparent reason.

This is why, when you are romantically involved with a man, it can come as a bit of a surprise when one day he just ups and leaves you for no apparent reason. Sure, you may have been aware of some problems that existed between the two of you. But, it can be a mystery as to what made him actually leave you.

The pain that you are left with after he left can run deep. You may be left with a feeling of a void in your life that only he can fill. For many women in your situation, the best thing may just be to walk away and move on. However, if you truly feel that the two of you are good together and are meant to be a couple, you may not want to give up so easily.

If you are saying, “He left – how can I get him to come back?,” here are 5 proven ways to lure him back into your arms:

1. Take on a new area of personal learning and growth:

Men are attracted to women who are independent. While men do like to feel needed by their woman, it is a turn-on when a woman seems like she can take care of herself. One way to assert your independence from him (or any man) is to continue on a path of personal growth. This could be through taking a class, joining a community of interest, or taking on a new hobby. Lose yourself in this new activity – really get into it – and you will automatically come across as that much more desirable to your ex.

2. Do something a little extra to enhance your look:

There is no need to go out and get a complete makeover to try to lure him back. However, do one small thing for yourself like getting a new hairstyle, buying a pretty jacket, or losing a few pounds. The key is to look better but without making it seem like you are trying too hard.

3. Let him know you are still interested in him but do not come on too strong:

Continue to show occasional interest in him. You can even be bold about letting him know that the door is still open – for now. But, do not get all mushy about it. Your goal should be to avoid overwhelming him. Just be convincing and succinct – then move on with your day. Your coolness about the topic will drive him nuts (in a good way).

4. Go about your life as if things were basically normal:

Now, go about your day-to-day routine as you were before. This is no time to majorly throw yourself off of your regular routine. A new area of personal growth – yes. A new hairdo – sure. But, not a major life course change. Just keep it smooth and steady. He will admire your strength.

5. Occasionally contact him to keep in touch:

Every once in a while, contact him or get together for coffee. Stay in touch. This will give you the chance to see what he is up to, while at the same time letting him know about your life and all that you are doing with it.

Try these 5 proven ways to get him interested in you again. Then, if he starts to take the bait, get expert help in putting together a plan to reel him in and rekindle the love and passion between the two of you.

Get your old relationship back on track with expert advice from someone who has brought thousands of couples back together at: Bring His Love Back.

Get Back With Your Ex in One Amazing Move

how to get your ex backBreaking up unexpectedly… it’s the worst feeling in the universe. It can cause distress, panic, and can easily send you into a downward spiral of depression. Worst of all, it can also cause you to give up hope… even when it’s still possible to get your ex back.

After a breakup, it’s easy to make the wrong move. Most people dive headlong into their efforts to win back an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, and they end up making a series of mistakes that destroys any chance of ever dating that person again.

Most of these issues arise from people trying to get an ex back FAST. You might feel your ex slipping away from you moment by moment, or as if the longer you wait the harder it will be to get back together again. And while there’s definitely a time for patience, you should always be proactive… from the moment your ex breaks up with you, to the moment they’re back in your arms again.

Knowing Exactly How To Reverse Your Breakup

Understanding basic breakup mechanics is important to any reconciliation. Your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you. They rejected you on the basest of levels, which triggered your immediate instinct to fight the breakup and try to get your ex to change his or her mind.

When that failed, you panicked. You started throwing the relationship back in your ex’s face, telling them how good you could be together. You told your ex how much YOU loved THEM, instead of actually concentrating on what they were feeling. And at the time, they were pretty much fed up with how the relationship was going. This could mean anything from constant fighting and arguing to just plain boredom… whatever it was, it wasn’ t working for your boyfriend or girlfriend.

One Simple Adjustment That Will Help Get Your Ex Back

In learning how to get your ex back, you have to make them want you again. This is the only thing that needs to happen in order to get back together, and nothing else really matters.

The hard part however, is getting your ex to view you differently than they do now. At the moment, you’re not a very attractive prospect. They’ve already weighed the pros and cons of your relationship, and decided they’d be better off without you. Constantly pressing them for ‘another chance’ is like running over and over into a brick wall… you’ll always get the same result, and it’s not going to be pretty.

In the end, there’s only one simple move you need to get your ex back. You need to stop being the combative, argumentative, and possible even desperate person you are now… and become the person your ex fell in love with. This means taking the romance back to the very roots of the relationship – the honeymoon stage – where the both of you were deeply and madly in love with everything about each other.

Remember how things were back then? How everything was absolutely golden, and neither of you could do anything wrong? THAT’s the relationship your ex wants, and that’s why he or she is trying to look somewhere else for it. But if you could somehow become the same person you were when you first met? You can show your ex (rather than just tell them over and over) how good you can be as a couple again.

You used to be strong. Confident. Fun. Exciting. You used to laugh and have a blast everywhere that you went, and your boyfriend or girlfriend had the same good times right alongside you.

Now however? You’re sullen. Depressed. Unconfident and defeated. You might even be playing the guilt or pity angle. In this situation, why would your ex ever want to date you again? You’re not selling them a very attractive package!

Getting Back in Your Ex’s Life – Best Moves

Now if your breakup already occurred, and some time has passed? There are still ways of working yourself back into your ex’s heart and mind. This needs to be done subtly at first, by implementing the best reconnection methods and techniques.

After that? To get your ex back you’ll need a step by step plan. The best way to win back your boyfriend or girlfriend is to know exactly what to do, exactly what to say, and most of all, exactly when to say it.

There are 8 Individual Steps that will help Get Back With Your Ex, so find out what they are! And if your boyfriend or girlfriend already happens to be dating? Be sure to check out Ex Is Dating Someone Else.

The Challenges and Solutions to Living Together

living one room challengeSometimes people fall in love and want to spend more time together. When you finally decide to get serious and take the relationship to another level, you can discuss living together. And the prospect of waking up in the arms of the love of your life may truly be romantic and exciting.

But actually sharing and living under one roof with your loved one is a completely different story. Sharing thoughts, ideas, laughter, and plans are ideal, but sharing the whole of you in your solo moments and personal habits is different. Don’t know where to start? Here are some ways on how to pass the hurdles of living together so each day can be a real opportunity to grow the relationship.

Give each other space – literally. A space to be yourself, a space to in the closet for your stuff, and space to make you feel at home is the first step in that attempt to keep the harmony inside the home. The prospect of sharing the house and living under one roof may be cute, but finding out how cluttered your closet is, and that your personal collection of toys, CDs or magazines are all in disarray, can send you to the edge of your sanity.

Cuddle time – Your bedroom is now being shared every day. And if your bedroom used to serve as an office or your personal dance floor before, you need to relocate those activities to another room in the house. Allow cuddling and intimate moments in the bedroom. Make the bedroom that common spot where you can truly be yourself and let your relationship grow. It is important that you keep a spot in your home that is shared and where you cannot be territorial.

Respect – Respect for each other’s individualism and ways of creative expression is important. People have their own interest, hobbies, and habits that do not involve you, so be sure to allow your partner time and space to do their own thing. Acceptance plays a big part in this aspect. Also, some of the things you did while living by yourself may have to change. Talk about things like splitting chores, keeping the place clean, and boundaries.

Communication – Be sure to communicate regularly with your partner about things, particularly things the little habits that are bothersome to you. Before moving in together, talk about things like the thermostat settings for summer and winter, cleanliness, and shared and private spaces. After moving in together, be sure to continue to communicate about the little things that might become annoying over the long run. Regular communication can often prevent little problems from escalating into major relationship issues.

There will definitely challenges, but as long as each one of you is committed to growing the relationship, there will definitely be solution to each problem that may arise. Communication is very important, so be sure to discuss any issues that may arise and think of ways to deal with minor issues before they explode into big problems.

Criss White is a professional article writer for relationships, weddings, and other topics. To view some love favors or to check out other wedding favors, visit Bridal and Wedding Favors. Note: This article may be reprinted in your ezine, blog, or website as long as the credits remain intact and hyperlinks remain active.

Making a Guy Fall For You – Do You Know the Secret?

win a guyWhat does it take to make a guy fall for you? Have you already met Mr. Right? What would it take to make him love you? It may seem like guys are avoiding love, but when they find the right girl, they know. What can you do to make him realize that you are the right girl? It can be tricky, but here are some tips to make him fall for you.

Be flirty. You have to start by getting his attention, and guys love attention, so the best way to receive is to give. Bake him some cookies. If you’re too shy to tell him you made them just for him, then pretend like you had too many at home. At least it will get a conversation started, and chances are he’ll know they were for him. Not ready to be that obvious? Try just making eye contact and smiling.

Be a friend. Friendship really is a good foundation to a relationship. You don’t want him to write you off as just one of the guys, but have some conversations. Find out what you have in common, and talk about those things. Keep it lighthearted, and he’ll want to know more about you. This is one of the steps to getting him to start falling for you.

When you do get that first date, keep your hands to yourself for awhile. If you’re looking for a fling, then you can get physical right away, but if you want him to really fall for you, then you have to wait awhile before getting physical. Otherwise, he won’t think you’re looking for a serious relationship, and he’ll write you off as a fling.

Follow these tips, and you’ll really get him to fall for you.

To learn more, visit http://www.unforgettablewoman.net/ and learn 77 Love Secrets that 99% of women never know about.

Dealing With Mentally Abusive Men

Author: Bellaisa

mental abuseWhen you are being mentally abused by a man it can be very confusing to you. He may tell you that you are lazy and good for nothing one minute, then turn around and make you feel wonderful the next. He may talk down to you, but talk to everyone else around you like a perfect gentleman. He may say things that make you feel bad about yourself and make you feel like the one who has a problem – not him. So with all this confusion it can be hard to figure out what will make him stop, and whether you should keep putting up with it.

There are many people who will tell you that fixing communication in the relationship and recognizing each other’s differences will help solve the problem. This is why many abused women feel so conflicted. They feel that they should be able to solve the issues by fixing the way they talk to their partner or understanding where their partner is coming from. They start to feel like they are the ones not accepting their partners for who they are, and that makes them the real problem in the relationship.

The most important thing to remember is that he is the one with the problem. You are doing nothing wrong. An abusive relationship cannot be fixed by communicating better as he has issues that need to be fixed, not just communication skills that need work.

The problem is not going to be fixed until he addresses the reasons why he is being mentally abusive to you, and fixes those issues. He needs to recognize when he is being abusive and learn healthier ways of dealing with anger or stress or any other negative emotion in his life. This process might be slow, but if he sticks with it hey may be able to change.

While he does this you need to start putting yourself first again, like you did before the abuse. You need to take care of yourself, build up your self-esteem, and love every bit of yourself for who you are. Until he can stop abusing you, you need to separate yourself from the relationship so that your self-worth doesn’t diminish any further.

If you come to realize that he is not willing to change, or even try to change, then you should leave him. If you think that it’s too hard, or too late, to move on from a mentally abusive relationship, then think again. Many women have left their long-term relationships to find something better for themselves. The truth is that you can stay miserable for the rest of your time with him, or you can move on and find happiness with the time you have left in life.

If you want to get out of an abusive relationship but you are scared to do so, then click here and learn 5 steps that will help you start to do so.

Bellaisa is an advocate for happy and stable relationships with yourself and with others and she has put together a site that has relationship adivce, tips, articles, and resources for every stage of relationships called the Relationship Circle.

Does He Love You? How to Know if Man Loves a Woman

How can you tell if your man actually loves you?

find if man loves youHas he said the words, but you want to know if he means it? Do you want to avoid another painful breakup and figure out how he really feels about you? If so, then keep reading. Here are three tests of your relationship’s strength.

#1. Is it All About Him?

Just because he’s spending a lot of time with you, does not mean that he loves you. You might just be providing something that he wants for the time being. Maybe you are really supportive of him. Is he always talking about himself? Do you have to hear about his problems at work all the time? Pay attention to how your conversations are going. If he is only into him, then you may have a problem.

#2. Is He Supportive of You?

If a guy can’t handle your problems while you’re only dating, then he certainly won’t be able to handle the stresses of marriage and children with you. Test him now. See if he will listen while you talk about how awful your day at work was. If he’s too busy playing X-Box to grab you a box of Kleenex, then he probably doesn’t have sincere feelings about you, and you might want to think about this before things get too serious.

#3. Will He Commit to You?

If he’s not willing to date exclusively, especially if you’ve been seeing one another for awhile, then he probably doesn’t love you. This is especially true if you’re relationship has gotten physical. If he doesn’t see the benefit of being with only you, then move on to someone who does.

Well, I hope that your relationship can pass the test. Try these tips to see if he really loves you.

To learn more, visit http://www.unforgettablewoman.net/ and learn 77 Love Secrets that 99% of women never know about.