If there was a man sitting across from you and you could ask him anything about men, what would it be? This was a question that I posed to women of different backgrounds and experiences. These were women over 40, college educated women over 30, and women of color, all with something in common. Statistics! Statistics that said they were less likely to find love or to get married than women outside their demographic.
Before you rush to say, “Absurd!,” think about how many times you’ve heard that women outnumber men. Think about the times you’ve heard that all the men are in prison, gay or married. Think about the romantic comedies where statistics are so ingrained that no one even has to say a thing, we all understand their dramatization of a statistic or two.
I’ve been away for some time. You’ll be happy to know that I have not been idle, not in the least. Matter of fact, I got married 6 months ago! Yes, me! Me, the woman who is college educated, over 40 (heck, over 50) and who is African American. Me, the twice divorced woman single parent. Me, the woman that the statistics said was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than find love. Me!
Was I lucky? Did it just happen? Was I just going about doing the single thing and love crept up on me and tapped me on the shoulder? No. I worked to get here. I worked on getting to know myself and getting to know men.
It wasn’t that I got to know myself and then I came out of my cave and got to know men. It happened the way life does most of the time. One thing fed the other. Likewise, the more I learned about men, the more clear I got on what I wanted. The more I learned about me, the more clear I got on what I wanted.
The first thing I had to break down and admit was that I hated being single. Didn’t matter how much I tried to look like it was second nature. I had trouble seeing things the way my single girlfriends did. Maybe it was because I had been married before. Maybe it was because I had to raise my son as a single parent. Maybe it was because I had been a wife who was happily married, but unhappy with the man she was married to.
I don’t know whether it was one of those reasons or all of them. All I knew was that I felt more lonely after doing the single thing than had I stayed home and watched television. I so wanted to be loved. I yearned for it. I thought there was something wrong with that, so I tried to act as if I didn’t feel this way. My pillow knew the truth though.
When I gave myself permission to stop trying to be something I wasn’t, the next steps became clear. I needed to put my energies into becoming a good relationship partner. This is when I started seeing a relationship coach. I had been in a 9-month relationship and though we parted with dignity and mutual consensus, I didn’t want to bring the residue from that relationship into the next one. By seeing a relationship coach, I got a backbone. I stood up for me as me. And guess what? My dating changed!
I learned about men. I learned to recognize the fixer upper. I learned to recognize the unavailable man. I stopped bringing those fish home, putting salt and pepper on them and thinking that would make being with them more tasteful. I stopped okey-doking myself.
What a difference this made! Oh wow! Rather than wasting my time on someone who wasn’t compatible, I gave myself permission to bid them a fond adieu as I kept it moving. No long drawn out explanations or text-arguments were necessary.
Long story short (because this article is becoming quite lengthy…lol), I met my now-husband and with him, Life put me on a mission. To come back and tell as many single women as I can there is hope and not to settle. Don’t let statistics convince you that a piece of man is better than no man at all. Don’t let your compounded frustration cause you to emasculate or vilify men. It’s so unnecessary! Men aren’t the enemy. You just have to accept them for who they are and make wiser decisions in accordance with who you are. That’s all.
And that’s why I assembled 10 amazing men to answer your most burning questions. These are men who love and respect women and want us to have satisfying relationships. And here’s the thing. These men aren’t few and far between. It’s just that we don’t know how to recognize them.
To register for this first-of-its-kind telesummit or get relationship coaching, go to my website: www suzetterhinton.com. This is my mantra. You don’t need everybody, just the right somebody!